Don’t Get Fucked Over
Warning: Stay away from a woman like this.
Open letter to Prussian Blue
Hey, I hope none of this happens to you in 2016:
That the woman you were in love with promises to buy you books as a purportedly heartfelt birthday gift and dosen’t deliver.
When you remind her of her promise and offer her an opportunity to make it good again, she tries to crush you for standing up for yourself by rejecting you outright. She then tells you that the ‘books’ are sent; but in fact, she has only sent one, and the cheapest paperback edition available, at that.
That she rises from the bed where you both lay sated after lovemaking and surfs a dating site for other guys.
That she hops into bed -or perhaps just goes straight for the bathroom sex — ‘FUN! FUN! FUN!’ — with a guy she’s had on the back burner, two seconds after she breaks up with you (if not before).
And still she denied that there was anyone else when you break up. Why on earth does your opinion of her matter to her anyway? She is dumping you. Oh yes, now I remember, it’s because it appears less noble to cut someone loose because you’ve found someone new(-ish).
You introduce her to a friend of yours at your house and she later writes to him on a dating site asking: ‘Those lips are made for…?’
She turns her back on you in bed the first night you were together and pretended to be asleep when you touched her. But she was awake. She’d returned from the bathroom only half-an-hour earlier and is a light sleeper. Ah, the subterfuge begins.
Why oh why didn’t you heed the significance and walk away then?
She turns her back on you in bed again and again and is truculent and defensive when you tell her that it hurts your feelings.
She gives you a yeast infection that makes your dick itch for a month. That the discomfort and unease ‘down there’ began while you were still together and intensified after she fucked you for the last time and bungled the condom making all protection ineffectual.
That she inexplicably withdraws emotionally and stops texting and calling. (The widower’s late-night visit having already happened might be one explanation.)
That you believe her when she tells you that this is something special and you let her meet your children.
That she pretended to be separated when she first contacted you but was still living under the same roof as her husband. She texts you photos of herself taken in her husband’s bathroom.
She sexts you while her husband is at work or out shopping or sleeping upstairs. Or maybe she is in the 75% who texts while the spouse is in the same room.
She reveals intimate details of your sex life to strangers she chats with online. Without the slightest prompting, she brags about how she had fantastic sex with you on the first date and how you ate her out in your hallway.
And has the temerity to tell you in a confidential tone: ‘I’m a very private person’.
She suggests a holiday in Sweden after you break up on condition that you don’t wear a condom.
That way you can be sure to get all the nasty germs from her colleague’s widower, the crossfit dudes, the lonely colleagues and all the others whose pants she sneaked and cheated her way into using ‘How To Be a Player’-style videos and blogs on the net.
Despite your oft-declared antipathy to ‘Friends-with-Benefits’, she still has the impertinence to attempt to sell the idea to you.
And finally, she wounds you deeply (and insults your intelligence) by declaring: ‘I never betrayed you’.
I hope you don’t ever fall in love with a person like the woman I have just described, because if you do, you will despise yourself — and that’s a tough nut to crack.
Believe me, I know it.
A.
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