This is a Letter You May Never Read

I rejoice in the gift of tears for what we had together. Photo: unsplash Tord Sollie

Dear Prussian Blue,

This is a letter you may never read, a letter that I may never send. I have a hope that even though I never send it and you never receive it, that somehow you will, through our collective unconscious or the ether or the energy field (or maybe even on Medium), perceive on some level the sentiments expressed herein, and receive, understand and enjoy the warmth of my feelings for you and my deep appreciation of your presence in my life this spring of 2015.

Here I will write my innermost thoughts and document the process of healing, for I know that I will heal. I am strong.

I wake at three or four in the morning… I, the one who always sleeps like the proverbial log. Sometimes I weep.

I welcome it and rejoice in this gift of tears.

For several years before I got sober, I hadn’t cried, not a single tear. It was as if my whole emotional landscape was frozen over. So the tears are a gift, a blessing, a way of expressing and releasing the pain.

Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet says that your well of sorrow is as deep as the heights to which your joy soared. And my joy has soared high.You have made me so very happy. That is why there are so many tears. And I am grateful for every last one. And for each of the beautiful experiences that I am weeping for.

I weep for the beautiful experiences. Photo: Unsplash Vulkan Olmez

Thank you for choosing me all these months and for forcing me to reach into my soul.

I felt so free with you physically and emotionally. You created a safe place for me to share my feelings and ideas, my hopes and my dreams, my doings and deeds of any ordinary day that I could talk to you about each evening.

Whilst I was cooking dinner tonight I suddenly felt overwhelmed by sorrow that I will never see you again.

It boggled my mind to comprehend the enormity and the significance of this strange and new reality.

I watched you from the window as you left my place the last time.

I watched you from the window. Photo: unsplash Maria Viktoria Heredia Reyes

You looked back once when I called and then you were gone. Did I somehow know deep in my soul (for that which we call destiny is really our own unconscious) that I was seeing you for the last time?

Can I urge the woman standing at the window as she watches her lover depart, to keep this haven safe for him, where he, too, can feel sheltered, safe and soothed?

Can I shout to her, in her frustrating ignorance of what is soon to come into being, to tread softly, for she treads on his dreams?

Tread softly for you tread on my dreams Photo: Unsplash Andreas Wagner

Can I beg her to bypass her fears, for they have no truck where trust, affection and love reign and rule and have their dominion?

Can I ask her to step up to the responsibility that love has called her to?

But she will not listen, my implorings fall on deaf ears as she turns away from the window and stumbles blindly into the future.

I want intimacy with another human being, or a feeling of connection with the universe more than anything. I want to know and be known, and I am terrified of it at the same time.

When someone gets close to me, I push back, like I did with you.

I am so, so sorry. When I think of those awful things I said, I feel ashamed of my pettiness and shallow materialism, my thoughtlessness and lack of consideration.

Thank you:-

* for giving me the opportunity to see myself and my actions in a new and different light

* for staying the night when my family was here. I really appreciated, valued and treasured your presence that particular evening, more than you could know.

for your sweet compliments about my hair, my body, my kissing
for driving all the way here to see me, all those times

You drove home in a blizzard once. Thank you for letting me know you’d arrived safely. Photo: Why Kei, unsplash

* for lifting me so easily

* for telling me that it was the best sex you’d ever had

* for telling me, when I asked, that I’d done nothing wrong

* for being so naughty ;-)

* for having such a pleasant voice, so easy to listen to.

* for revealing your tears and your grief to me. It moved me beyond words.

* for your courage

* for outrunning my sons. I was so proud of you.

You were in amazing shape. I appreciated that. Photo: unsplash Jordan McQueen

* for giving me the Stephen King book

* for introducing me to Apple Tree Yard

* for telling me that violent men cannot express their emotions and that I was able to use the idea when talking to my middle son, echoing his feelings and sensing him calm down

for the beautiful domesticity of our weekend in Amsterdam

Thank you for an amazing weekend in Amsterdam. Photo: unsplash

* for the little red hoppity thing that you gave me the first time we met.

for bringing me flowers

Thanks for the flowers. Photo: Unsplash: Michael Podger

* for refraining from asking prying questions about my economy and my companies.

for getting out and going to the beach and the park

I enjoyed our time at the beach. How wild the waves and the water were. Photo: Unsplash

* for your openness about your previous relationships

* for always being sober around me (deeply, deeply appreciated)

* For ‘the Real You’ video. It blew my mind

* for sharing all those interesting links with me, including James Hollis and Sadhguru.

* thank you for buying me the necklace.

Thank you for the necklace. Photo: unsplash: Christopher Campbell

It told me you’d heard and understood what I’d said about wearing another man’s jewellery — and that you’d forgiven me for being so crass.

* for being quiet in company

* for appreciating the sexual favours I was so delighted to bestow upon you

* for the fantastic chats

for our amazingly intimate nightly telephone conversations
for talking all the sexual stuff through before we met. It made it all so easy peasy lemon squeezy

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. Photo: Unsplash: Lauren Manke

* for ‘Both Sides Now’ — it got me in touch with my emotions.

* for your love of music

* for turning me onto some wonderful music, particularly ‘Take me to church’. my son even played it at a concert.

I know how important music is for you. Photo: Unsplash: Dark Rider

* for telling me about your childhood

* for bearing over with my petty-mindedness

* for taking me back when I broke up with you

* for saying that you didn’t know what love is. Your honesty moved me.

* for saying that you meant everything that you said.

* for giving me an opportunity for closure.

* for taking me to the park and the beach, to nice restaurants and cafés.

You took me to the nicest places. Photo: Unsplash: Joanna Boj

* for being neat, clean, well-groomed and nicely dressed

* for shaving, once in the middle of the night

* for eating and appreciating the food I served

* for washing up

* for buying delicious food when I visited you

* for the warmth of your embrace

* for our joint voyage of discovery

* for holding my hand and exploring with me

* for sharing your tears with me

* I am so grateful that I was moved to express my sadness in words that day when you were leaving, that I said, ‘I am sad that you are leaving’.

This was the most intimate (in so many ways) and beautiful love affair that I have ever experienced. Thank you for so many hours of warmth, of happiness, thank you for loving me, for I know now that you did.

Love,

Amber

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If you click the green heart below you will catapult me into immediate rhapsodies of ecstacy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the 16 people who have already done so.

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contact me:

Instagram: @augustkhalilibrahim

Twitter: @augusta_khalil

Email: [email protected]

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