A brief, historic review of the interesting ways Texas Rangers’ seasons have ended

2017 — World Series Game 7

Rangers slugger Prince Fielder, snaps his 56 game postseason home run and hitting with runners in scoring position drought (interesting enough batting right handed) when he hits a two-out, walk off grand slam in Game 7 of the World Series but refuses to even leave the batter’s box, insisting instead on celebrating by flipping his bat into the crowd and replacing it with a 3-foot long, chili-cheese covered hot dog which he proceeded to hold in one hand as a bat, and then eat in a record 3 minutes and 22 seconds.

Just one problem, after his impressive feat of speed eating, Fielder, not known for being the most svelte ballplayer in the league, suffered a massive heart attack as a result of his spiking blood pressure and you know, stadium chili.

Because Fielder was unable to touch first base on his own power, much less make his way all the way home, manager Joe Maddon of the visiting Cubs (the defending, 2-time consecutive World Series Champions, eat that you stupid billy goat. Oh wait, billy goats will eat anything), always hyper-aware of the intricacies other managers might miss, calmly signaled to his players covered in confetti and surrounded in a throng of celebrating Rangers to request an appeal from the umpires.

Maddon, the baseball Jedi he is, was correct. On appeal, Fielder was ruled out, as he never touched first base — just the wheels of the gurney and both feet of Arlington Paradmedic Steve Trammel. Though it did take MLB’s replay-control center in New York’s Chelsea Market 33 minutes to confirm — they may, or may, not have been downstairs recreating Fielder’s walk-off heart attack in foodie fashion (you know, the same as Fielder just with a scratch-made challah roll and foie gras chili).

Inning over, game over, series over. Cubs win 5–2.

Oddly enough, Rangers fans can’t shake the odd feeling of deja vu.

The poor prisoners now forced by law to suffer as Rangers fans now laugh at this tame moment of untimely failure, reminiscing about the good, old, somewhat normal days.

2016 — American League Championship Series Game 6

Rangers $115-million utility man Elvis Andrus replaces starting, injured shortstop Rougned Odor (no, not that one, but the other, younger one) and hits a miraculous pinch-hit, walk-off home run to secure an ALCS win over instate rivals the Houston Astros.

Surprised the ball ran into his bat, especially because his eyes were closed, Andrus begins his celebratory trot around the bases without opening his eyes, afraid that if he opened them he might quickly realize it was just a dream — but also hoping his eyes-closed, game winner, dream crushing thing might become a meme on Insta-Vine-Snap-Book, and propel his struggling baseball career into a successful run as an Internet celebrity.

As a result, Andrus unable to see, rounds the first corner without stepping on the bag, so while he somehow miraculously found the other three bases, on appeal by the Astros the home run was nullified.

Andrus became the third out and the game went to extra innings tied at 5–5.

After 10-hours of back-and-forth play, it was there in the 29th inning, a delirious Andrus ranged to his left, dove and speared a hard-hit shot by Astro shortstop Carlos Correa (who set a major league record for 12 hits in one game that night) but exhausted and confused Andrus rose up and fired the ball not toward first base, but instead into right-center field. Unaware the errant ball was headed his way, as he had turned his focus briefly to first to see if Andrus was able to nab the speedy Correa, the ball then hit right fielder Shin Soo Choo in the skull knocking him unconscious before bouncing away into the right field corner.

By the time center fielder Delino Deshields reached the ball, Correa had rounded third and rather than hurt his arm attempting to throw it 360 feet to home plate, he picked it up and tossed it into the stands as a souvenir.

The run put the Astros up 25–24, a lead they would hold onto after the Rangers went 1,2,3 in the bottom of the 29th, securing the Astros first American League pennant.

In game 7 the next night, the Rangers whose pitchers had all undergone Tommy John surgery that morning, sent out a Juggs pitching machine which had a perfect game through 7, before giving up 25 runs in one inning, as the Astros broke the major league record for consecutive home runs, batting all the way through their order…twice without hitting a single ball in the field of play.

2070 —Pre-World Series Tribal Council of the Intergalactic Elders of Baseball

Convinced it had been long enough, Major League Baseball decided to award the Rangers their first World Series, but somehow veteran shortstop Elvis Andrus (a cybernetic body replacement of the 82-year-old, contractually obligated to occupy the Rangers 25-man roster, or else self-destruct during a team meeting) dropped the trophy into a pit of burning lava and Commissioner Bud Selig (the first ever undead commissioner, who regained his throne through dubious, but forceful measures) decided the sport’s generosity toward the hapless Rangers was probably a bad idea anyways, instead allowing the New, New York Yankees (Mars’ first and only MLB franchise) to claim their first championship when they defeated the Salesforce.com Giants in the first ever World Series played entirely over Occulus Rift from two different planets.

This is a version of a true post that was sent from the future to Austin to post on his blog — where he stubbornly is forced to write at least 500 words at day as penance for rooting for the Texas Rangers. Please refrain from using the above information to place any bets (or for that matter, playing any “games of skill” on daily fantasy sties) on any of the above results.