Marissa Myer is the Real Wonder Woman

Model: CJ Brady

Rissa.

Let me be the first and possibly the only breathing being to congratulate you on a job well done.

You have done the impossible.

You have taken a fallen giant tech company like Yahoo! and made it even more splintered and irrelevant.

I certainly hope that you don’t plan to go into an early retirement like disgraced Uber former CEO Travis Kalanick. There are plenty of other lumbering tech companies that need to be put down, or at the very least, sold off into tiny bits and pieces. Twitter would be perfect for you. I have the utmost confidence in you that you could destroy it in half the time it took you take down Yahoo!

Now don’t listen to what worthless slimebucket critics say about you purchasing such duds like Blink, Flurry, and Wander. Perhaps, it was a stupendous lack of vision and sanity on your part, but at least you proved that you have thematic consistency and a passion for the obsolete. Don’t worry. I will not stoop to making Katie Couric jokes.

We angels are above that sort of drivel as well as above using Yahoo! Mail.

Apparently, you feel the same way. Not long after you sold off Yahoo! to Verizon and collected your 23 million, you raved about how much you’re looking forward to using Gmail again. I agree with you. Gmail offers users a much richer experience that data mining third-parties and advertisers both adore. Though I have to say, Facebook’s chatbot infested Messenger will eventually replace email in general. But, as Marky Mark’s confidant, I confess to being a little biased.

Still I say… a job well done, Rissa. You are the real warrior princess. Only instead of facing off against cutthroat Nazis armed with only a shield, you squared off against Verizon with only your golden parachute and porn site Tumblr to aid you.

But before you get any more ludicrous ideas into your head, Facebook is not hiring.

Archangel Killing Heart Sings

If you would like to hear more from Sci-Fi Hunt’s wicked angels, check out the Angel Invaders | Solar Saint podcast.