Aren’t they are supposed to be governing the country??
As I had mentioned here, I write for a variety of reasons, but then there are times when inspiration just smacks you upside the head and shouts — Write You Fool! I was on Facebook earlier today (my daughter reminds me only old people use Facebook) and I saw the damnedest thing!!
What in the fucking hell?!?! The White House joined Snapchat?? Aren’t they supposed to be doing more important things — like governing the fucking country!!
Then I started thinking about who in the hell would the White House snapchat with?? (That can’t be an extensive list — with national security concerns and stuff.) Or even scarier — what in the hell would they chat about??
So, I joined Snapchat to see if I could get on the White House friends’ list — of course that was a colossal failure. So, I went on the prowl looking for someone who they did friend and thanks to my investigative prowess (and the help of Woodward and Bernstein) I found someone willing to talk to me. My source’s code name is “Deep Throat II” or DT2 — because we are such good buddies.
My Interview with DT2
Me: How did you get onto the White House’s friends list?
DT2: Just like Colleen Bell and Noah Mamet, I made a huge campaign contribution to Obama. Barry said he would make me ambassador to Ireland but I was like — Dude! I’m not even Irish. So he put me on the White House friends’ list.
Me: Do you chat with the White House a lot?
DT2: All the damn time! Fools keep me up all fucking night long. It’s like they have nothing better to do.
Me: What do you all talk about?
DT2: Just about everything. Who they are hatin’ on. What celeb party Barry and Michelle are going to next. All sorts of shit. Then there have been some really freaky ones too.
Me: Freaky?! Like what?
DT2 takes his phone out of his pocket. He pulls up a screenshot he saved of a conversation he had with the White House just a few hours before our interview.
I had to stop the interview for a moment to get a drink. That image was not something I was mentally prepared for and hoped that with enough alcohol I would be able to permanently erase it from my mind.
But bing the intrepid journalist that I am, I regained my composure and continued my interview with DT2.
Me: Sorry about that. I needed a moment.
DT2: No problem. I had the same reaction when I first saw it.
Me: Let’s continue. Since you are on the White House’s friend list, who else have you become friends with that we would all know?
DT2: Well there’s Hillary — which surprised me. I guess it is because Bill won’t talk to her anymore. Who knows? I also got one from Debbie Wasser…whatever the hell her name is. You know who I am talking about. But I turned it down when I saw she was the worst Carrot Top impersonator in the history of man. Or maybe it was Carrot Top? I don’t know.
Me: OK. What have you and Hillary talked about?
DT2: The most recent one is when she sent me a screenshot of a chat she had with the White House.
DT2 pulled it up the screenshot he saved for me.
Me: WOW! That is just... (I lost my train of thought here.)
DT2: I can honestly say that politicians are worse than teenagers.
Me (shaking my head): I am not even certain of what to ask. So, I think we can stop here. Will you keep me posted on any other “important” chats you have with the White House?
DT2: Sure thing.
At that point, DT2 left and I started transcribing my notes to share the information with you on what the White House is focusing on as it spends your tax dollars to maintain their social media presence.