Satire: Dabino Scandal


Scandal: No be only Dabino…

*the following chat probably took place on 2go app*

Mendo Baba: Tuco Tukoskiy 2gbaski!!!
Alfa Tuco: Ah Ahn! Ajebota Mendiatta! How far now.

Mendo: omo mehn na una be d Alfa wey dey always dey mosque now. Boys for here no too gbadun(enjoy) this kain tezaz heat for Ramadan.
Tuco: Ole Niyen! Pesin like you wey don tey commot for area Z suppose don fat reach Oprah now. Shey dem dey starve you for there abi na on top Alghazali — Sufi paroz you dey?

Mendo: dey there they yab me! Make I even ask you sef wetin una dey use breakfast sef? Hope say una don elevate small sha.
Tuco: confirm things now! Even for recession, na so yesterday God take bless me with 4 dabino wey I chop.

Mendo: 4 wetin? Only you wan(1)! Na odd number be that? 
Tuco: Yes na 4 I gbadun chop!

Mendo: wahala! You no follow madhabi chop 5, you no gree hear wan Albani like that wey talk say na 3 be sunnah. Na the middle wan you come carry do. Na which ‘Alfa Sunnah’ you don dey follow?
Tuco: ogbeni Mendo chill na!! Na my problem with you be dat. On top small matter you go just “bidi’alize” heni bodi like that.

Mendo: Oya talk make I hear
Tuco: Wetin happen be say we bin get 3…3… Each. Na so God just send come area one special dabino wey them talk say na from Saudi. So na still odd number I chop. 3 from Naija + 1 from Saudi, the score come become 3–1.

Mendo: na wa for this your ilorin fiqihu o! I go kuku leave you with that wan. But you wey be Alfa no dey fear God o. 
Tuco: Ah an! Wetin na!

Mendo: how una take find Saudi dabino when be say all the dabino suppose go north… North! Lohun! lohun!! How this wan take waka come south. Abi una no dey watch news?
Tuco: … See mr CID! Even if them talk say na charity dabino Dem give us, as long as e enter bele, shebi e don score goal. Abi shey EFCC go come hold my neck ni!

Mendo: ah! What is giving you small confidence lyk this. Abi you dey follow Magu pikin?
Tuco: No even try(dare) reach there sef!!!! Abi you dey moon when them been acquitt “Ansarul Islam” wey everybody dey jubilation?

Mendo: youdonmeanit!!!
Tuco: na him dem go come hook me on top just one dabino? Oya make them waka come. Until I gist you about “khadimul islam”……

Mendo: who dat wan come be kuma? APC no get better pipu wey dem go dey dash titul anyhow to? Which wan your own be? 
Tuco: After that ilorin fiqihu, na “shaykhul Islam” suppose be my own.

Mendo: Abajo!!!!!!(no wonder) 
Tuco: ehn now. You wey dey dere dey form effiko. Instead of you make you come house dey do Alfa bizness, you dey dull.

Mendo: e be like say this religion na him be the new employment now. Una no get any ‘god fearing’ again. How I go even start am sef when I never finish book yet? 
Tuco: see my problem with you be that. With this your World War 2 memory, na why you no even fit carry first for nursery school be dat! Shey you no sabi fatiha ni? At least you fit sing small poem dey go. You go come dey charge them like Saturday na for wedding, Sunday na suna/naming ceremony.

Mendo: I don hear many things today. Why you no kuku talk say make I turn this ‘koko waves’ into pastor Oyakhilome “Jerry curls” before I transition? Na why Nnamdi Kanu dey call una zoo pipu be that. 
Tuco: see as book don too mumu you for that village wey you dey. Na which Nnamdi you mention? 
Mendo: Nnamdi Kanu na… The Biafra warrior…
Tuco: Lost Guy! Na the same Nnamdi Kanu wey go soon turn Rabbi in a few days be that.

Mendo: Rabbi kini? Abi na ‘Ribena’ you bin wan talk? 
Tuco: No be only Ribena… Na #Ragolis noni. Na the same Nnamdi Kanu wey don transition into Israeli missionary after small SSS beating we dey talk. Until mugu open national synagogue for your village na him your eye go shine. Now we are “God’s own country” with all 3 Abrahamic faiths

Mendo: una no go kee me finish! 
*Mendo is now offline on 2go*