Rethinking emotional distance
What some call emotional distance could be a simple lack of romantic obsession. Many people who think they want love would prefer for someone to become addicted to them instead. This idea of love develops into worship or idolisation. It sounds lovely in romantic terms, but insane in clinical terms. What is the need for physical affection in a relationship we all claim is crucial? Platonic friendships tend to outweigh romantic ones. We’re rarely tactile within these mutual attachments, yet somehow these platonic spaces know how to withstand the test of the time. Friendships at it’s healthiest encompass trust, acceptance, compromise and loyalty. Something romance has struggled to achieve. Why cant the addition of touchy feely-ness save relationships from corroding. Could it be that we’ve been giving out affection wrong? Have we entered the empty affection zone. A state whereby affection is displayed for the illusion of closeness without the emotional depth required to make it sustainable. In this instance romance becomes performative, a way to keep up with the Jones, replicating what you’ve seen on screen since your tender years, a way of ticking off life’s mundane checklist of requirements to be “happy”
Another reason we may put a particular emphasis on physical affection in a relationship is our child-like yearning for comfort. We are social beings, and highly socialised animals. In the same way a dog enjoys a good belly rub, a baby needs a gentle rocking motion from its parent to induce sleep. We are forced away from our parent’s physical gestures of comfort too early. Perhaps this explains why we so often take our partners choice to face the opposite direction to sleep more painfully than intended. This is why we no longer feel we can watch a horror film without our hands intertwined within our partners finger tips. The truth is we’ve been scared all along and now we’ve met someone safe that we can remove our social masks in-front of. At last, a place where we don’t have to pretend we’re brave. A relationship provides a relief from the true overwhelming nature of life. It’s important to note that relief is not reality.
Affection is defined as showing a fondness or tenderness; it has nothing to do with the nature of touching someone else. In relationships I have been in and observed, there seems to be something missing from the affection which keeps people temporarily comforted. People describe themselves as affectionate because they enjoy a cuddle on the sofa whilst watching a film. They may take great pleasure in holding hands when strolling the plant section of IKEA. This is empty affection born from our earnest desire to alleviate stress, to numb us of our strenuous days, and have someone remind us of the delusion that everything will be okay. But true affection is effective communication. Affection is to divulge the parts of yourself which you believe unlovable. To shed light on the inner child, past and present. To express your fears. Biggest dreams. Most embarrassing moments. Sexual longings. Painful memories. Family secrets, and release your shame and guilt. Affection is to disclose this and have the other love you regardless.
