Everybody is Mad
It’s not that I don’t want to die oh.
It’s just that being flattened, like pita bread is not the way I imagine it. God forbid! God really forbid, and if you live in Lagos — like I do, you know that’s a possibility.
So when my landlord said, “Trailer ló ma pá é” early Monday morning when angels might be resuming duties for the new week, I lost it…
A little ‘get to know me ’— When I was a child, my mother paid 300 naira monthly to Uncle Ajala to teach me some Gidigbo (or something like it).
Today, Monday 10th December 2005 at 6:43am, it came in handy.
If you asked me how, I cannot explain, but I gave my landlord a kick. A very hard one — kpaaaa!
I ran after that, in the opposite direction of his beer gut and out the compound. If womanizing and sexual offense doesn’t kill that man, diabetes will. Wicked man.
All of this drama is because I have refused to accept my Landlord’s advances. In retaliation, he has decided to frustrate me out of his house, he’s mad.
I am not going anywhere (mostly because I can not afford to move, all my strong headedness is fueled by my lack of money. My dear, being broke will teach you things).
Now that I’ve kicked him though, I may have to leave, even if it is for a few days. I set a reminder to call Clara after work ; let me rest my head at hers. Even if I wanted to (and she offered) I can not live with Clara permanently. Her triplets cry too much and she ALWAYS needs a hand. Lest I forget, her husband (an ex-serviceman) threatens to shoot whenever he’s angry. Honestly, I am not ready to die.
Back to my accommodation problem which is also a money problem — I can not afford to move out because I am leaving my job.
God will punish Agnes — the Admin manager where I work. I was heading to her office early this morning to resign when that yeye landlord spoilt my mood.
I will still resign. Agnes is a thief, a bully and her mouth stinks. Triple threat of horror, haba!. Anyway, today is the day I leave her and her problems. I added a pack of menthol sweets in my resignation envelope. The envelope is white (the colour of peace) and I have scribbled ‘What has a beginning must have an end’ on it. The letter though, is full of Agnes’ schemes that will ruin the company and my goodbyes. I know, this is not a typical resignation letter (or approach even) but whatever abeg.
As the company secretary, I have access to the general notice board, I will paste a copy there for the WHOLE organization by 9am today, I expect chaos to ensue. Agnes has syphoned at least 3 million naira, she must pay.
Last week Friday, she had the audacity to accuse Polycarp and I of theft. That was when I knew I had to leave this company. How much am I earning that I won’t have peace? Today I’m a thief, tomorrow I’m an errands girl, next tomorrow I’m begging the MD’s wife not to barge into his office (her new strategy to test fidelity), O tí su mí.
Polycarp was explaining himself and praying to God for deliverance from the schemes of the devil. He said God would have him live in peace even with his enemies.
First of all, flesh and blood didn’t reveal this to Polycarp because Agnes na winch!
Secondly, I am not living in any peace with Agnes, I will expose her — the real thief. Let her explain to the managing director why diesel expense has been rising every month while selling price and electricity hours remain flat.
She has no conscience! How will she call me a thief?! I couldn’t even if I tried; I know first-hand what it’s like to have things taken from you. My parents. My innocence. My Ajó, everything taken from me.
Urgh. You see that ajo collector, Wasiu, God will punish him too. (What kind of chaotic people surround my life for goodness’ sake?)
“I worked in a bank for 7 years. I understand safekeeping and multiplying. Let me help you hold your money.”
We used to call him Wasiu Safekeeping. Ah! people are wicked o.
Wasiu disappeared three weeks ago, nobody in the neighbourhood can find him. All my savings for the year — gone. Some people say he gambled with the money; others say he fled to Europe.
Wherever he is, may ill-luck catch up with him, bloody criminal.
Who will come to my aid now? I am the only child of two people who were also only children to their parents; by fate my options have been limited.
I have a meeting with the closest thing to a living relative tomorrow — Temi, my late father’s best friend’s daughter.
I don’t know why I keep going to see her — she’ll only encourage me to join her ‘venture’ every Friday night. To which I have told her countless times that I am not interested. I need a sponsor (not a sperm donor) to invest in my business idea. She should just help me talk to one of her men, I will pay her back when I make it.
She says, “Do the talking yourself, after all we are all seeking the same thing.”
“How na? How can you say Aristo and Business Sponsor are the same thing” I reply.
See, everybody is mad. Except me, or am I ?
Glossary
Trailer ló ma pá é — Yoruba for ‘trailer will kill you’
Gidigbo — indigenous martial arts of the Yorubas
Kpaaa — a kicking sound
Yeye — Pidgin english for Useless
Haba !— an exclamation of disbelief
Abeg — Pidgin english for please
O tí su mí — aka OTSM, Yoruba for I am tired.
Agnes na winch — Agnes is a witch
Ajó— a Yoruba traditional saving scheme
Make it- Achieve success with financial gain.
