Hot Mess Banana Bread Muffins

Yields 12 servings, or 3 sleepless nights of over-analyzing

  • ⅓ cup butter, softened— best by leaving out while pace mindlessly throughout the apartment, trying to remember something, remembering it, being horrified, and then pacing until you forget.
  • ¾ cup light brown sugar — enough sweetness to get you hooked but definitely not pure sugar.
  • 2 medium eggs — you are probably thinking if large eggs will do. But the recipe says medium. It probably does not matter…right? You can just use large, what’s the big deal? But what if she finds out: the muffins would still have been perfect but suddenly ruined by some minutiae and you will never be able to enjoy them again.
  • 3 overripe bananas — you were planning on eating them but just like all your plans they went wrong. Now, they are overripe.
  • 1 ¾ cup flour — gives structure to the spineless.
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder — which reacts perfectly with the acid/rain that is the weather all the days you do not see her, and all the days you do.
  • ½ teaspoon baking soda — this is just important.
  • ½ cup chocolate chips, bittersweet — like your ruined memories.
  • ½ cup peanut butter chips— instructions for which can be found at the end, because you cannot get anything right otherwise.
  1. Preheat oven to 350°F. The perfect temperature for melting Polaroids. Who needs to keep Polaroids when you have your memories to haunt you?
  2. Cream butter and sugar. A stand mixer can take care of this for you as you stare aimlessly at the walls.
  3. Add eggs, and beat. And beat and beat and beat like you do your pillow after realizing that you had a slight misstep and now you are worried it is going to bring everything down.
  4. In a separate bowl, mash the bananas and mix in the remaining ingredients. For thorough mashing, recall your first fight.
  5. Mix dry ingredients into the first bowl. Some things you cannot compartmentalize.
  6. Spoon mixture across baking cup-lined muffin pan. Try to avoid the spills you have become prone to with your unsteady hands.
  7. Bake for 20 minutes, or until a toothpick stuck into the center comes out clean. Eating under-cooked baked goods risks you feeling as nauseous as you did that day you had an important presentation to your manager and a few minutes before it you get a text telling you that she hates you now.


Homemade Peanut Butter Chips

  • 1 cup peanut butter
  • 2 tablespoons powdered sugar
  • ⅓ cup coconut oil, melted.

Mix, spread, freeze at least for one hour, done. Makes 1 1/2 cups. Best shaped as a heart and chopped into many tiny pieces when needed.