Hi! Have you seen The Lego® Movie? If not, please go see it, and fall in love with it, and then come back here and read this dumb thing.

The thing about The Lego® Movie, as much as I love it and I want to marry it and now I am engaged to a motion picture, is that I mostly agree with the villain. I side with about 99% of what the villain is doing.

To recap: The villain of The Lego® Movie is Lord Business, who is later revealed to be the Lego® manifestation of a dude in the real world also played by Will Ferrell. Ferrell is a grown man who has a large Lego® collection and does not want little kids touching his Legos® and messing everything up (aka: me). He is so devoted to maintaining order that he wants to Krazy Glue everything together permanently (which is wrong but that’s later).

The film ends with Ferrell recanting and some mumbo jumbo about freedom of expression and being able to build whatever you want and coloring outside the lines and not being a slave to authority or whatever. The Most Important Lego® Instructions Are Your Imagination.

This is untrue.

Following Lego® instructions is great! There is a pacing to Lego® instructions. In the best sets, you build like three or four different sections, unsure of how they come together and it rules when they do. “Oh, this thing slides on this thing.” “This things makes this other thing rotate!”

These is a truth that I hold to be self-evident: Official Lego® sets are always cooler than handmade ones. Why would you take apart a cool set, which you will surely lose a vital piece to, in order to build some rinky-dink boat? That’s dumb. Official builds are color-coordinated in ways that Frankenstein’d ones are not. I am a Lego® totalitarian.

Also a thing I sympathize with: never touch another person’s Legos®. There is a friend of mine, maybe 10-12ish years younger than me, and whenever he comes over to my house he wants to play with my Legos®. I love this kid but holy moly it gives me the worst anxiety.

You know when you want to show a friend one picture on your phone, and then they start swiping through all your pics and they come like this close to the really embarrassing ones before you interfere? That is what it feels like when people touch my Legos®. The goddamn razor’s edge.

The only thing about Ferrell’s plan that I do not agree with is the Krazy Glue part. It makes no sense! Every Lego® fan knows that Krazy Glue is redundant, since the “clutch power” of Legos® is insane. From Business Week:

Lego’s competitive edge is precision; the tolerance, in engineering terms, of its Lego-branded studs is 1/50th of a millimeter, 10 times finer than a hair. Lego has its own term for its click-fit: clutch power. How clutch power is achieved is as closely guarded as the Coke recipe.

Some genius on Stack Exchange built a machine to attach and detach a Lego until it lost clutch power and it took ten days and 37,112 attachments to lose clutch power. Krazy Glue is hella unnecessary.

Anyway, don’t touch other people’s Legos®. Stop doing that!