How the Paris Attacks Changed Me

I heard my husband from his office, “Paris is under attack?” A sense of dread. I can still feel it in my body. I was in a dark state of fear.

Horrors happen in the Middle East and all over the world every day. Why is Paris so much scarier? I don’t know. Somehow Europe feels like a sister to the United States. If it happens in Paris, we’ll be next, I thought. In public school I was taught western history. The western world is “us.” I’m embarrassed to say that this attack feels more personal to me.

It’s happening. What? I don’t quite know what, but it’s something I always knew would happen. I was on facebook reading what others had to say about the attacks. Panic. Police state, war, chaos, violence.

I woke up the next morning and was a total bitch all day. I was really in a funk. The world is about to change. Will there be violence and chaos outside my front door? Should I try to savor the last few days of peace before shit hits the fan? I snapped and complained and was generally nasty. My husband pointed out my disgusting behavior, and I took a really good look at myself.

That night I dreamed about burying things and locking a door behind me.

I’m a writer and an activist. Should I be writing about this? What am I supposed to do? I knew the state of fear wasn’t helping anybody.

How should I hold my energy? I meditated on it and was shown to be softer and more peaceful, which brought up a whole lot of stuff. How to be soft? Issues. Insecurities. Needing to be tough and strong. Rabbit hole.

The Paris attacks brought me deep inside of myself. During this time of collective confusion and upheaval, I’m going inside and seeing these same things in the microcosm of myself.

This has been a time of really going into my shadows and digging in and having a look. What are these stories that I tell myself about myself and the world that I live in?

I’m mostly staying away from the outer world. I’m staying away from social media and the opinions, and the hype and the fear, because I can feel that it’s unhealthy for me. My work now is within.

Things are getting dug up deep and pulled out from their roots.

Before the Paris attacks, my message to the world was, “Open your eyes! You see how crazy we are?! We have to change!” Now I’m seeing how that’s polluting the world and adding to the collective fear and confusion. It’s not offering a solution. It’s nothing more than complaining.

We’ve all had our fill of complaining and pointing fingers. Every segment of humanity has their story of who the problem is. Where is that getting us?

What do we want, humanity?

In the upcoming weeks I’m going to be holding global meditations to manifest the world we do want. It’s time for solutions. Just as we can’t walk blindly through our own lives, we must have a clear vision of what we want in the macrocosm and be conscious co-creators. If we’re not consciously co-creating, who is?

We must be clear about what we want so that we can manifest it, and we must do the work in the microcosm, which is inside of ourselves.

If you would like to be part of the collective manifesting of a better world, like All Beings Must Be Free on Facebook to be notified of upcoming meditations.