An Apology To Mathew Klickstein

Dear Mathew Klickstein: I’m sorry I don’t exist.

You know, Mathew, not existing sucks. When you don’t exist there’s so much you’d rather be doing. It’s a Tuesday here, and normally, I’d be watching Sleepy Hollow (that shit is good, everyone else please watch it). Instead, I’m at my computer, writing an open letter to you, because you’ve pissed me off.

This morning, I discovered this interview you did with Pilot Viruet of Flavorwire. It started off just fine; you were talking about the “Nite of Nickelodeon Nostalgic Nonsense!” you were going to host, and the recent nostalgia people seem to be having for Nickelodeon shows. That’s cool with me. And then, out of nowhere, you turned what could’ve been a nice, normal interview into a flaming racist trainwreck.

Do you think classic Nickelodeon shows would work today? They’re timeless, like Pete & Pete, but there’s the argument about how inclusive the series are and how they’re focused on white, well-off families. Shows like My Brother And Me, Taina, and My Cousin Skeeter are never going to get the same nostalgic treatment.

I think it’s about quality.

Me [non-existently]: “Oh dear.”

I think it’s worse when they shove it in there. Sanjay and Craig is a really good example, which funnily enough is written in part by Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi from Pete & Pete. That show is awkward because there’s actually no reason for that character to be Indian — except for the fact that [Nickelodeon President] Cyma Zarghami and the women who run Nickelodeon now are very obsessed with diversity. Which is fine — do what you’re gotta do, and Dora [the Explorer] was certainly something of a success, but there’s no reason for [Sanjay] to be Indian at all. No one working on that show is Indian. They’re all white. It’s all the white people from Bob’s Burgers and Will and Chris.

To just shove it in there because, “Uh-oh, we need diversity,” is silly and a little disgusting.

Me [slightly more corporeal]: “Please stop.”

It definitely still matters. Sanjay and Craig: Yes, the main character is Indian and it would still be a good show if he were white. But this provides something to relate to; if an Indian kid is watching and sees himself on screen, that’s great.

That’s true, that’s fine, but why can’t he relate to a white guy too?

Me [reluctantly and almost fully manifested]: “You’re not gonna listen, are you?”

If it doesn’t matter as long as the show is good. If Sanjay and Craig is a good show, why would it bother you that they made the main character Indian-American?

I think that it does the culture a disservice. If I were Indian or Jewish, for example, and watched something where the characters are Jewish or supposed to be, and if it’s not specific to that, then I start to wonder, “Why are they doing this?” It becomes blackface.

Me [disappointed poltergeist, hovering just off-screen]: “JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.”

Now, there was a lot more where that came from. Among other things you decided that it’s hard to be a white guy because the stand-up scene doesn’t like you:

There are worlds where white guys get shit, too. I’m starting to do stand-up comedy now and it’s hard to go up there and talk about how hard it is to be a guy. People don’t wanna hear it!

(Honestly, Matt, it’s probably your jokes. You suck at jokes and, judging from your bio, seem to be pretty proud of it!)

The thing that got me about your interview, though, was this line:

Because there’s no reason for [diversity], that makes it more offensive, exploitative, and predatory because then it is just being used.

Thank you, Mathew, for reminding me I’m not real. I don’t exist, so there’s literally no reason for diversity.

only flowers
move along
shh

Mathew, let me tell you something. When I was a kid, I used to love The Fairly OddParents. It was a Nickelodeon show, one of the best in my opinion. A lonely American kid, bullied by his teacher and babysitter and neglected by his parents, having the time of his life because he could wish for anything, and it would happen. Literally, it was every kid’s wish fulfilment fantasies made real.

Now, I had a moderately shitty life as a kid. I got beaten up at school, had my stuff thrown off and into various places, fought with my parents and was pretty bad at my schoolwork. I convinced myself it was because I was fat and “ugly” (and not because, say, I had nasty classmates). I despised the Chinese language back then, so I mostly watched shows about a very different kind of man than I was. He was white, he was American and he was handsome. Nobody fucked with him, and even if he did get shit from people he got back up and gave it back harder. In contrast, people who looked like me were mostly comic relief, stereotypically evil bad guys or, as often was the case, not there at all. All my heroes were white (except for Static Shock, because he was black), and so I grew up believing that a lot of the shit that happened to me happened because I was born in the wrong country as the wrong race.

If I’d had my own Fairly Oddparents back then, my number one wish would’ve been to be a strong, white, American guy.

Even now, I’m not sure if I’d say no to that.

That’s okay though, Mathew. I don’t exist. I thought I existed when shows like Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender or Disney’s American Dragon: Jake Long or Cartoon Network’s The Life and Times of Juniper Lee came out. (Hell, I was proud of The Proud Family because at least it wasn’t just more white people on screen.) I still wanted to be white, but maybe not so much. I thought, “ah, here’s a bunch of people who look like me, and they’re actually cool.”

And then you weighed in, as a white man, on why all that doesn’t matter:

You’re saying, “If it doesn’t matter, then why not let them be Indian?” I’m saying, “If it doesn’t matter, why make them Indian?” There’s no reason for it.

I’m not Indian, but I get what you mean. When you say “it doesn’t matter,” you mean “it doesn’t matter whenthey’re white”. If it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t be kicking up a fuss about it. So it matters when characters aren’t white, but it doesn’t when they are, and it’s “exploitative” and “predatory” to think otherwise. I get it, Mathew, and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t exist because if I did, there’d finally be a reason to put people of colour on Nickelodeon, and it wouldn’t be “exploitative” or “predatory”. I mean, you can’t legitimately cater to people like me, or any of the other people of colour in America and elsewhere who were secretly happy when they saw someone who looked like them on screen, because we aren’t real. We don’t watch TV (except me, I watch Sleepy Hollow). We don’t read books. We don’t listen to music. We aren’t a “core demographic” because we aren’t a demographic to begin with.

I’m sorry I don’t exist because if I did, maybe you’d be a little more enlightened. You’d understand that little kids who don’t exist watch a lot of TV growing up, and if all they’re seeing is white Americans like you, they’ll learn to hate their skin. They’ll learn to wish they were just a little bit more Caucasian and envy the mixed kid in the other class because he looks white and he looks really good and nobody fucks with him, and they’ll learn to think that it’s because he’s white.

I’m sorry I don’t exist because if I did, I’d be watching Sleepy Hollow instead of writing an angry letter to you. People who don’t exist have too much free time, and also TV on demand. So yeah, Mathew Klickstein. I’m sorry I don’t exist.

PS: By the way, if I did exist, I’d live in Singapore. If I didn’t turn on the TV, I’d be able to go a full day without seeing anyone like you.

Thank god.

Robert Bivouac does not exist, but nevertheless maintains a Twitter account at @boygainvillea.