[No Longer] Waiting for the End

Ben Kasdan
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

A lot has happened since Thursday, July 20, 2017 when Linkin Park lead singer Chester Bennington committed suicide; but I cannot stop thinking about him and every time I do, a fresh rush of sadness washes over me.

I’ve never felt grief for a celebrity like this before. Sure I liked Linkin Park, but I was never a huge fan— like I am for other bands. I never met Chester or really followed anything other than their music.

I do remember the first time I saw them play live at The Roxy Theatre, though, when I was home from college for the summer in 2000. My band from high school , Feedback Sandwich— now with a bass player other than me — was playing and I brought a couple friends with me to see my old friends and a new up-and-coming headliner with a misspelled name. I remember that their opening sound effect chirped and pierced like a violent cricket. And I remember their lead singer, Chester, jumping and screaming like a lion. Their songs were raw, angry, loud, and catchy.

The next day, I heard their first single, One Step Closer, as it debuted on 106.7 KROQ in Los Angeles with the DJ referencing their concert from the night before — apparently they were there, too. A couple months later, their debut studio album, Hybrid Theory, dropped at number 16 on the Billboard 200, selling 50,000 copies the first week.

Not many bands from 2000 are still together, touring, and/or releasing new music, including Feedback Sandwich . The rest of us have day jobs, but LP was still rocking— a testament to Linkin Park’s work ethic and their success.


But obviously, I was missing something.


Over the past 17 years I learned a lot of Linkin Park songs. I would sing along in the car and include them in my various playlists. Chester’s lyrics flow from my lips effortlessly; and I had no idea what I was actually singing about. He was literally describing his grief and I mistook his words as metaphor… for years.


It was not just one song that Chester told us what he was really going through, but all of them.


As I listened to song after song from my library this week, the hairs on my neck stood up and tears began welling up in my eyes uncontrollably.

How did I miss this?

Who else have I been listening to and not really hearing?

I’m so sorry Chester for not really listening to your cries for help. I pray that you finally found peace in the new life you traded for and can hold onto something real now.

In the meantime, I’ll try to pay better attention to everyone else who takes the time to share their heart with me.

Waiting for the End

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strength to stand

This is not what I had planned

It’s out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie,

All I wanna do

Is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last,

I wish it wasn’t so

I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie,

All I wanna do

Is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

-Chester Bennington

By Linkin Park, 2010

Ben Kasdan

Written by

Husband, Father, Architect

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