Tom Brady Suspension Survival Guide

Tom Brady, winner of four Super Bowls with the Patriots, may have some unexpected free time this fall.

Image provided by New England Patriots/David Silverman

You may have heard that the NFL has suspended the MVP quarterback for four games for Deflate-Gate.If you live in Boston, you’ve heard of little else the past week.

Yes, Tom Brady has been suspended for four games. Based on an “independent” investigation. That turned up no evidence that Tom Brady or anyone intentionally deflated game balls but went ahead and concluded it happened anyway. Thus lowering the bar for the concept of “evidence.”

Yes, that sterling investigation can think of no other way that a piece of cowhide with air pumped into it, used during an NFL game, could become deflated. Certainly large, strong athletes squeezing a football against their torsos couldn’t result in any loss of air pressure. And no doubt, a football landing beneath a pile of several hundred pounds of football player would be as hale and robust as ever.

Clearly, Tom Brady must have orchestrated nefarity. What other explanation is there? Except, you know, the patently obvious?

For the record: getting caught punching your fiancée unconscious, on video, merits a two-game suspension. An “independent” investigator concluding that a player masterminded the deflation of footballs with no actual evidence it happened merits a four-game suspension. No one ever accused the NFL of having its priorities straight.

And yes, we will always put “independent” in quotation marks in this context. No matter how much Ted Wells whines about it. Way to find a way to lower the public’s esteem of the legal profession even more.

If the quarterback’s planned appeal is unsuccessful, Tom Brady will have several weeks of free time to fill come September. Here are some suggestions to pass the days.

1. Gaze at adoring, supportive, incredibly hot, supermodel wife. Realize there are worse fates than spending a month with a woman that many men would sacrifice a limb to talk to for one minute.

2. Plan out tasteful billboard offering condolences to Jets fans that their team is once again in the toilet. Make sure design is perennial, as it likely will be needed many times over the ensuing decades.

3. Perfect the details of your Jimmy Garofalo voodoo doll. Just in case. Enlist Drew Bledsoe’s assistance, as necessary.

4. Definitely do not tape other teams from the sidelines of their games. For safety’s sake, don’t even watch other teams playing on television. The League is likely to retroactively declare that a rules violation applicable solely to members of the New England Patriots.

Image provided by Robin Marchant/Getty Images North America

5. Begin working on 2016 Kentucky Derby ensemble. Because Gronk can’t get all the fashionista attention.

6. Read the Federal Rules Evidence. Search for the hidden clause that discloses that the Federal Rules of Evidence do not apply when the accused is Tom Brady.

7. Catch up on that backlog of Blue Bloods episodes on your DVR.

8. Write a treatise on the magical properties of cowhide that allows it to retain all air pumped into it even after a literal ton of human mass has landed on top of it.

9. Practice composing text messages that are relentlessly neutral, content-free and not even vaguely human so that vague word choices will not be misconstrued when viewed in a context-free vacuum.

10. See if the Silly Nannies have any temporary openings. Commission elaborate choreography to be deployed during scoring celebrations.

Originally published at on May 14, 2015.

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