Don’t bother me….
We aren’t born with inhibitions, shame, insecurities, or doubt.
In every stage of my life, I’ve probably been insecure about one superficial feature or other. I have a serious hunch that if I were able to poll other women, a substantial percentage would probably have had similar experiences, with their own self consciousness. However, the closer I am to being 30, the more settled in my skin I feel. Every decision I make, on my personal appearance, is made based on how I feel. It is a direct reflection of the internal being. Maybe on one particular day my internal self feels defeated, worried, stressed, or depressed. I still put on a brave face and attempt to engage with the rest of the world. But does the internal being deserve to be judged, questioned, or ridiculed, because of the external? Of course not!
Yet, it happens all the time.
I get my hair and nails done as I feel. I wear what looks best on me and is comfortable. Truthfully following trends is the last thing on my list of things to do. Yet, every once in a while I feel judged by a woman and I feel like I’m judging other women as well. Its plain silly on both ends, and physically and spiritually uncomfortable being on the receiving end.
As a GROWN woman, mother, and wife I can’t understand for the life of me why I’ve been asked questions like, “Why did you get your hair styled like that?” Or “Why are you wearing that shirt?” so much in my life. I’m not so much bothered by the attention it brings, but by the audacity of the question itself. The question “why?”, implies that I should be providing a reason. And why on Gods green Earth would I need to do that?! Furthermore, why do they feel entitled to that?
The question is probably rooted in their need for affirmation, attention, and belonging. I understand that these are things we all need, and tend to display the need based on maturity or the lack thereof.
My simple answer; they aren’t entitled to an answer beyond “I felt like it”. Explanations are only owed to those that we are indebted to, in some way. And there is no way that I’m obligated to appear any certain way, for anyone.
However, I have begun to wonder if I’m giving off the vibe that I care what others think, enough for a person to feel comfortable to question MY appearance, in the first place? Then I begin to think, maybe my inconsistent appearance is concerning, or questionable. Or has this person set imaginary and arbitrary expectations on how I should act, dress, think, or be? I personally believe the answer lies within the latter. It’s an assumption based on an otherwise superficial relationship. Sadly, an onlooker may have never even experienced a person outside of “hello” and “goodbye”, a work relationship, distant relative, or even worse social media.
Yet, it happens all time.
From my own personal experience, true friendships begin as a result of a superficial commonality and then blossoms through unexpected and unplanned experiences. The women that I consider friends keep it real with me. In doing so, they get to see the real me and understand the complex human being underneath the hair, makeup, and sometimes cynical nature. These friends, turned family, never ask why and I never ask them.