Identity Crisis; “Why Doesn’t Everyone Like Me?”
All my life I’ve always wanted people to like me. I haven’t realized this until recently. I never understood how unhealthy and problematic this could be.
I was very isolated as a kid I didn’t mind it at all. I never really hung out with kids in my neighborhood either. This became a problem when entering kindergarten. I was home schooled for preschool and I begged and begged my parents to let me go to public school ( I still do not know if this was beneficial or detrimental). My parents knew I had anxiety and depression at a young age and where worried I couldn’t handle public school ( I still really can’t handle school) . I tried to befriend everyone which became my downfall I ended up having no friends at all. The memory that really sticks with me is when I accidentally spilled applesauce on myself. I went to try and change my outfit. But there were no extra clothes so everyone just laughed. This sounds like something really stupid that happens to all 5 year old’s. To me it was devastating earlier that day everyone seemed to be my friend. But I was very wrong. I had tried to make everyone my friend and ended up with no friends at all.
There are many more stories of people who were I thought were my friends secretly hating me. This was a very common occurrence that I seemed to ignore. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the truth.
Someone who I thought was one of my closest friends actually didn’t like me at all. The reason was I so busy trying to be liked that I became fake. I changed myself for every different person. It was confusing to everyone around me and even more confusing to myself. I have not discovered it is my benefit to be myself and even more others benefit. It’s very subconscious but very intentional. It’s like it’s become a habit. Every time I’m with a different group I become a different person.
Its like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Right now I seem to have become every type of person, but right now I just wanna be myself. How do I “be myself” when I barely know who I am? I don’t know who I am or what I’m going to do but I promise I won’t be boring.
You have just read another installment of “Maddie talking about her feelings while not trying to sound like an attention whore”.