Bachelor Recap: Episode 9 “The Return of Andi Dorfman”

What a cliff hanger last week was right? This show teasers more than a game of 7 minutes of Heaven in High School:

“Um, I thought we were supposed to do finger stuff”

“Let’s talk for 7 minutes”

“But I have a huge boner”

“Shhh, I like you as a friend” (Puts hand on hypercolor t-shirt, climax achieved) “guess you only needed 1 minute…clean yourself up champ and let’s get back out there, Dana’s mom just made bagel bites.”

This show is almost over, it reminds me when Nana was sick. We all know what is going to happen, but at this point, you just want everyone to be comfortable when the end comes. Hit the switch Doc! Hahaha, miss you Nana.

The episode opens with a huge curve ball, previous bachelorette contestant Andi Dorfman shows up at Nick’s hotel. Whhaaaaaaaa! I never saw Andi’s season, but I heard Nick cried a lot in that one too, especially after they had sex. Andi dumped Nick on national TV and then got engaged to a guy named Josh, who we all remember from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Apparently Josh was not the best guy in the world, so Andi wrote a tell all book about him and Nick. However, my theory is that if Josh went down on Andi, the way he went to town on pizza, they’d still be together. “ I said eat my box Josh, not pizza box, uh LOLZ”

Screw the alphabet method, I heard if you move your tongue in the route your Uber drive takes, good things happen.

You think that Andi is going to plead for Nick to take her back, but no, she just sips on her glass of Barefoot (If you put it through an aerator it tastes like a $50 bottle) keep telling yourself that you fucking moron. In the end she just gives Nick advice and to show the world she is prime to play Idina Menzel in her Lifetime biopic “Wicked: I can Diggs It”

Meanwhile the four finalists are on the veranda freezing. Vanessa has to be so cold, she her neck is covered by the hotel drape she threw on before leaving the room, more on necks later.

Nick spouts off some bullshit about family connections and starts doling out the roses. They go to Raven, Rachel, and… Vanessa. Corrine’s botox gives her a 10 second tear delay but boy do they start coming. I really don’t know if she does botox or not, maybe she does Rodan Fields, god knows I would do it, just so my friend’s wives would stop fucking posting that shit. Christ we get it, you are a busy mom, please go back to posting pics of the kids next to numbered monogrammed pillows “yay look who is 11 months old…UNFOLLOW”

So Corrine is gone, which is good, because the final 3 are heading to a country that is #1 in education…Finland. It looks like a beautiful country, which is a shame, most of these woman do have a better shot at seeing the Northern Lights, than having Nick permanently commit to one of them.

The first one on one is with Raven. They take a helicopter, see some reindeer, and then head to a bar, where one beer is $12, have you been to Scandinavia? I have, it’s expensive as shit, no wonder education is free and bands like ABBA and got popular. It’s too expensive to get drunk, so let’s learn, while writing catchy pop tunes about a single mom catching 3 dicks in Greece.

Nick is such a romantic, he tells Raven he will wash dishes, while she folds laundry. What an asshole, dishes are easy, have you ever tried to put away laundry? It’s impossible, odds are you would just move it to one side of the bed and sleep, thus pushing your favorite Sigma Chi Shipwrecked shirt under the bed to be lost forever. Raven then creates her own tongue twister, trying to tell Nick she loves him, it takes up most of this 1 hour episode. By this time, Nick has decided to wear the LL Bean’s “Uncircumcised Penis Turtleneck” it’s itchy but looks good. Raven then drops the bomb that she has never had an orgasm in her life,no one has made her mitten smitten. Nick is clearly uncomfortable, finding the G-Spot is going to be a lot harder than him finding a real job after this ends. NOTE: Nick has been announced on Dancing with the Stars. Raven opens the envelope, which contains a skeleton key, please god, can a producer just put a Hyatt Helsinki card in there? The last time someone used a skeleton key was that weird movie Pan’s Labyrinth, where the girl went on a scavenger hunt, ate a grape, and then that faceless monster tried to eat her, um no thank you.

God this season sucks, can we turn off it’s life support?

See you next week! The recap will be delayed next week due to me attending WWE Monday Night Raw, a man’s soap opera.