Bachelorette Preview: The Suitors!

Oh shit here we go again! Last time we saw Rachel, she was left in the cold in Finland because Lispy Nick wanted to marry into the Canadian Healthcare System.

Thank god we are rid of Nick, it’s like cleaning your Keurig with Apple Cider Vinegar, or in this case Acid. When life gives you lemons, we get…Rachel, love her, so sweet, smart, and still wonder why a bombshell like her is subjecting herself to this bullshit endeavor. Maybe she can join the likes of all the eliminated contestants making a career of instagramming themselves with FitTea “Use the code #Ididnotgetaroseandhavenorealjob for 10% off your first purchase” get a job.

Why am I Doing This

The show starts Monday, but here is a Sneak Peek of all the Suitors who will be vying for Rachel’s heart and time for when she goes on Dancing with the Stars. These are real questions they were asked, and real answers given.

Adam, Real Estate Agent, 27

What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday

Nothing more romantic than having your Bae tell you that your best bro is joining this party. “Bro, we are bros, why not be Eskimo’s bros, (High Five), delts looking strong man, BW3 afterwards?”

Alex, Information Systems Supervisor, 28

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Here is your Psycho! Can’t wait for his one and one with Rachel. “My body has 9 pints of blood, instead of 8, I don’t believe in banks, I’ll never be a grandfather”

Anthony, Education Software, 26

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? I’ll just say I have virtually no limits once that connection is there

Is he talking about internet connection? I’m genuinely curious, does he have a safe word? Every guy has a limit, it’s called an orgasm, chances are you will vocalize the action before doing it. Good Luck

Blake E, aspiring drummer, 31

Tattoos: I have “LRLL” (drum rudiment) and “D” (for the dog I rescued) on my left arm.

“I’m really good with my fingers LRL LRL, I can’t say vowels, if they aren’t on the arm, I won’t say them, you ever see Blue Man Group, so sick, so blue, unlike my balls”

Blake K, Marine Vet, 29

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Wrestle a crocodile or eat monkey brains.

SWOON! This is my #1 pick, that smile could cut a mango seed. He has more dimples than Chicago has potholes, LOL, god I am a dipshit, this city is broken though.

Brady, Male Model, 29

Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn’t speak English.

Brady sounds like a charmer who brags about passport stamps from Epcot. He also puts a mirror on the bed so he can look at himself during sex.

Bryan, Chiropractor, 37

What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart (I counted 7)

If Bryan is as good a Chiropractor as he is at Math, look out. Looking forward to him saying “Rachel, you are out of alignment, let me bill you, I mean fix you, I mean I’m not a doctor at all.

Bryce, Firefighter, 31

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Caught a girl’s hair on fire once while having sex.

How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.

What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.

No Words, go get em Bryce.

Dean, Startup Recruiter, 26

If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where would you go and why? Hawaii, I’ve never been. Also, my mother wanted her ashes scattered there.

I checked and Hawaii has plenty of active volcanoes, they are good on the ashes stuff. Also, I am curious where he did spread them? Maui Surf Shop? Tikki Bar?

Demario, Executive Recruiter, 31

Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, “Denzel, the lion.”

Is he playing a game of M.A.S.H? This is “real” life Demario, get your head out of your ass, nice sharks tooth necklace btw.

Diggy, Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

That is every person at work with a phone, connected to their work WiFi. How many times has this guy had to hear the phrase “Getting Diggy With It” A lot, and we are going to hear it a lot more this season.

Eric, Personal Trainer, 29

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does he mean Ecto Cooler or that 1,200 calorie kale bomb at Jamba Juice that makes you feel like you are doing something healthy? I bet he takes his shirt off the first night and gets voted off the first night, lose a shirt but gain experience.

Fred, Executive Assistant, 31

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Fred either works at Le Creuset or Spearmint Rhino, both are forgivable because he’s adorable.

Grant, Emergency Medicine, 29

What is your most embarrassing moment? I once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in a cut open 2-liter coke bottle in the back of a tour bus.

This makes sense, look how he is standing. The photog says “ok stand like a normal person, not someone how has to drop a deuce” but I have been to Peru, just saying.

Iggy, Consulting Firm CEO, 30

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down

Now I have to know what was talked about at this board meeting? Had to be a sale on Affliction shirts.

Jack Stone, Attorney, 32

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.

Is there? Not sure, but with a name like Jack Stone, he’s an attorney by day, and crime fighting detective at night. He had a middle name but that was a long time ago, a story he won’t tell, he has some regrets but life moves on, and so does love.

Jamey, sales exec, 32

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Jamey definitely works at GNC, thinks Chipotle is fine dining, hates when women are taller than him. I can see this guy being a nuisance, like a grain of sand inside of a clam that doesn’t turn into a pearl but stays a douche.

Jedidiah, ER physician, 35

What is the craziest place you’ve had sex? Just off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains.

That sounds really dangerous, dirty, and cold. How did he perform in those conditions? Will Rachel be able to say his name? Will he say an exit line of “You will see the Return of the Jedi”

Jonathan, Tickle Monster, 31

How would you describe yourself as a lover? I ensure both of us are satisfied. Pretty open to most things. Usually last a long time (in a good way.)

Holy hell where do they find these people? How did he make it past the auditions? Is this the America Trump wants? Full of Tickle Monsters? I hope the limo runs hims over.

Josiah, attorney, 31

What’s your worst date memory? Being catfished! A girl arrived on the date pregnant!!

Um, scratch that, we need a table for 3! Is that your foot under the table or a small hand? Ok, I’m sorry, this guy is grade A beef, he will go far like the Falcons did, we know how that ended.

Kenny, Professional Wrestler, 35

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! There was about two weeks when I first started dating my ex that I was Quick Draw McGraw.

That is his wrestling name too!

(Announcer: Quick Draw with the finishing move, and he’s done, wow he’s fast)

Kyle, Marketing Consultant, 31

What are your three worst attributes? Don’t trust most people (trust is earned, not assumed), general disdain for perceived corrupt authority, I can be very blunt and outspoken, sometimes I don’t think before I speak.

Can Not Wait to see this guy in action.

Lee, Singer/Songwriter, 31

Tattoos: Yes! I have a horseshoe on my left arm.

For fucks sake, another singer, can’t wait for the song he sings to Rachel about what his MeMaw would think of him bringing her to dinner! I’ll ask him about his experience when I see him playing at Potbelly’s sandwich shop.

Lucas, Whaboom, 31

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo

I don’t know what Whaboom is for a job, I don’t want to know, he doesn’t know. I hope the group date is to Caitlyn’s house for tea, please make this happen ABC. This is a cyborg

Matt, Construction Sales Rep, 32

What’s the craziest place you had sex? The balcony of a cruise ship.

Hi I am Matt and I lay pipe for a living! If he doesn’t say this, there is no God. He either wins or he is the next Bachelor. It’s like they put Mike Rowe, Chris Pine, Ed Harris in a blender with nails and extreme listening skills.

Michael, Former Pro Basketball, 26

Do you follow a specific diet? Paleo.

I can’t wait for the pick up game where he dunks over the tickle monster. Other than that, I don’t see him making it too far, maybe 2nd round, which is the equivalent of the Bulgarian Basketball League where he played.

Milton, Hotel Recreation, 31

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Kinda. I don’t mind being romantic, but it can show you’re weak.

If Rachel gives him a rose, he will break it, that shows strength. I’m interested to hear his views on how he spiced up the Residence Inn Marriott Manager Mixer to make it Lit.

Mohit, Project Manager, 26

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

He banged a bottle of Tabasco? Is that why it burns when he pees?

Peter, Business Owner, 31

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? I moved to Athens, Greece for modeling for three months. It was everything! I saw the world, made friends, was forced to grow up and be self-sufficient. Learned a lot!

He’s doing a lot more than the Greeks are right now, Oh!!! Calm Down, Germany will save them, have you tried Saganaki? Unreal, goes to the hips.

Rob, Law Student, 30

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

Rob immigrated from Sigma Chi at the University of Virginia. He speaks fluent O.A.R, never lost his sunglasses, and hooked up with his Mom’s entire bridge group. This dude goes far, finals?

Will, Sales Manager, 28

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Will Smith because he’s the Fresh Prince.

Will does all the right things, says all the right things, but will (pun intended) he be right for Rachel? He has a rip in his jeans for every time a woman has broken his heart.

And there you have it, all the suitors for Rachel. Things change when these guys open their mouth and actually speak, so get ready for Monday. As always thanks for reading this bullshit, I write it on the bus and have missed my stop a lot, but it’s worth it? Please share with your friends, family, soul cycle instructor. If you liked it leave a comment, if you don’t like it, leave a comment, then Ill make a political comment, and we will be off and running.

Excited to be on this journey with Rachel, I hope she finds love, and I hope we never see Nick ever again.