The Bachelor: Episode 4 “WaukeSHIT Wisconsin”

Opening shot of Nick reppin American Apparel hoodie chatting up Vanessa on the front porch about Corrine.

“Are you looking for a wife or someone to fool around with”

Nick is experienced “I just need you to be patient with me” but if you know Bachelor Subtext, that means “Look, let me bang Corrine in the next week or so, then she is gone and you will know I’m for realz, we have such a connection”

Rose Ceremony: Brittany and Christen, these two were my sleepers, but Nick gives them the boot. Come on Nick, get rid of the Danielle M, the Neo Natal Nurse who is the human equivalent of Des Moines Iowa, The Home of Hospitality and Slipknot! Every time she talks in her monotonous tone, I keep thinking that the producers just made this contestant out of Jovani dresses and a shit ton of Ambien.

Speaking of boring as shit, Chris Harrison let’s the ladies know to pack their bags because they are going to…Waukesha Wisconsin! This was so great, the tepid “Wooo” from the ladies reminded me of the reaction a jaded tour guide gets when they ask “Who is Ready for The Boston Duck Boat Tour? ah come on, we can do better than that, this is history folks, fine, put your fawkin quackers on”

Before Nick meets up with the ladies, he pops into the local coffee shop for a chat with Mom and Dad. Nick has 10 siblings, which tells me that the swiss cheese maker, also was in charge of making condoms for the entire state of Wisconsin. Nick’s mom looks amazing, a woman devoted to her kids, and devoted to doing kegel exercises the rest of her life. Dad drops the bomb “We don’t want to see you on this show anymore” Get Dad a scone for that zing, most of America agrees with you.

The ladies meet up with Nick, and after 20 minutes of hugs, he asks Danielle L on a One on One date. It’s a fact but once you ask Danielle L on a date, she will giggle on cue, like a broken Teddy Ruxpin, but with great boobs.

First up a Bakery where they have made Nick cookies, they make their own cookies, they fight with cookies, and it’s just the stupidest fucking thing I have ever seen, I hope they both are gluten intolerant.

Then it’s time for the most awkward walk down Memory Lane Ever:

- This is where I saw my first movie

- This is where I firs got dumped, I was 11

- This is where Blockbuster used to be

- This is where the Ed Gein Massacre happened, jk that was 20 miles north

And… OMG that is my ex girlfriend Amber casually having coffee at a window seat facing the street, let’s talk to her

Danielle L is a good sport, Nick is just loving talking to his ex “What did we date for like 4 months, hahah, you look great, how are things” Bachelor Subtext “You can tell you had kids, are they at school right now, are we interrupting me time, I am going to probably have sex with this girl, isn’t she great, good seeing you, your instincts were right, I’m still a tool”

Nick takes Danielle to Lowell Park which has historical significance. This is where I first got laid not here, per city ordinance you can’t bang 100 feet from a soccer field, so we did it over there under the Welcome To Waukesha: Cheese to Meet Ya sign, it was cool, I came, she did too I think? Whatevs, had such a great day with you.

The night ends at a swanky Milwaukee Hotel bar. Nick is cross eyed from looking at Danielle’s cleavage but still has the ability to give her the rose. They end the night crashing a Chris Lane concert at the Pabst Theater, they get on stage, they kiss, the crowd goes Mild, knowing they will have to all wait an extra 30 minutes to sign ABC’s on camera waiver.

GROUP DATE:

The ladies show up at a Dairy Farm, it smells like shit, it’s a farm. The smell doesn’t damper the ladies when they see Nick force feeding a bottle to a future hamburger. Nick is extra lispy today and informs the girls they are going to do chores, hip hip pick up some hay. They feed cows, they shovel a lot of shit, and Corrine just can’t take it. The ladies are mad, Corrine just wants sushi, Nick gives blue balls to a cow.

Finally we get to see Raven have a one on one date with Nick. They show up at his sisters soccer game, she clearly is an 11 year old in the 10 year old league, she dominates, Raven meets Nick’s parents, who are busy looking at Family Tracker on their phones to keep track of their brood. Nick takes Raven and his sister skating, it’s adorable when they do a couples skate to Smashing Pumpkins’ Disarm. They end this perfect day at the art museum, where Raven tells the story about almost killing her ex when she finds him cheating on her, Nick blurts out “I have never cheated” please don’t kill me, Raven rules, they skate through the museum, which had to make the curator so happy, they look at the Maggie O’Keefe paintings which remind Raven of the vagina her ex cheated on her with.

I feel asleep before the big fight with Taylor and Corrine, they both suck in my opinion, dead weight, I am sure something almost climatic will happen next week and one will go home.

See You Next Week

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