The Bachelor: Episode 7 “Broken Ties With Russia”

Nick did a lot of spring cleaning last week. We saw Whitney, Danielle L, and Jasmine all leave. I loved Danielle LOL, because she LOL’D a lot, and she was gorg. Jasmine was a psycho, but that is normal when you are a halftime basketball dancer, forced to listen to Jock Jams 1 million times in your life.

This season is like Chlamydia, you just have to ride it out, it’s not fun, but better things on on the horizon? I mean how the fuck does someone not have fun in the Virgin Islands, that place is amazing, have you tried plantains?

The episode opens with Nick crying, sad little bear is going to get dehydrated shedding all those tears. Chris Harrison asks if he wants to quit. What you don’t see is that he has a small British Fairbain knife pushing on Nick’s femoral artery when asking that question.

Nick shows up at the ladies hotel unannounced, and tells them the cocktail party and rose ceremony is cancelled, and they are heading to…Bimini! The girls scream for delight, I have no clue where Bimini is, so that means they have no idea either, it’s a new experience for all of us. The girls frantically pack their over-sized luggage that would crash Aaliyah's plane 50 times over and we are off.

The first date card arrives and Vanessa gets the nod, Corrine calls her a lucky bitch. Ha, Nick is 36 years old, in 3 years he will be asking the dip shit at GNC for testosterone replacement pills to get that fired started again. The date card says, let’s get Deeper, mostly everyone thought this was about sex, but I thought they would going to take a lot of pics next to the Madame Tussauds figure of Johnny Deep. I was wrong

Nick whisks Vanessa on a yacht, they swim underwater, they make out, and then she tells Nick she is falling in love with him. Why, this guy has said maybe 10 words this season, 4 without a lisp. He responds with a strong “I really really like you, if this was a facebook status, it would be a big thumbs up” Vanessa is sad because she is actually taking this seriously and the night ends with another meal untouched.

The next day is a group date with Kristina, Corrine, and Raven on a boat. Whoever dresses Nick for these boat outings should be put down, respectfully, maybe smothered with the bathing suits he has to wear on these group dates. They swim with sharks, luckily the ladies aren’t cycling so nothing bad happens, except we have to hear Nick talk.

Raven gets the group date rose, they dance on the beach to some guy who will hopefully have a better career than Gotye, which isn’t hard.

The next one on one is with Danielle, the one who sounds like toy doll is running out of battery. They play basketball with the locals and get dunked on a fisher price basket. Danielle says the last time she fell in love, someone died. Well I died laughing at this for at least 10 minutes, yeah stfu I get it, the backstory, whatever it was funny. She is like that girl from The Ring but with a really nasally voice, run away Nick! Luckily, Nick realizes that keeping Danielle on the show is like having a 3 legged Air Bud on your football team, it’s fun for me, but it’s cruel to watch. The kicker here is Danielle’s tumi bag is back at the house, so she has to face the the other girls who are very “sad” for her. Nick is ruthless

Corrine is shaken by this, so she splashes some water on her face, throws on her romper and heads for Nick’s hotel room. They have some wine and then it’s time for bedroom games, my favorite. Nick has banged everyone, he’s 100% on this, the equivalent of Mark Price on free throws. However, Nick has grown up, and decides he is the one who can dish out the blue balls. He thwarts Corrine and sends her back to her room, uh oh, is Nick maturing?

The last one on one is with my fav Rachel, god I love this woman, why is she on this show? They head to a Locals Only Bar, which is just some dudes house, they drink local Corona wrapped in a palm straw koozie and chat about real stuff. Rachel has never brought a white guy home to mom and dad, it’s a Guess Who is Coming to dinner sequel none of us have been waiting for.

Lastly, Nick shows up again unannounced and says he needs to talk to Kristina. Kristina is an angel, her story makes her like a really hot Fievel, if Fievel wasn’t a mouse, but a bombshell Russian who can clean some teeth. Can’t spell bicuspid without cupid. I thought she was going to legitimately slit his throat with the rose thorn, but rationality wins in the end.

We are down to the Final Four: Rachel, Raven, Corrine, Vanessa for hometown visits in Dallas, Arkansas, Miami, and Quebec.

See you next week!

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