The Drowning Pincer Bug

Or, resilience

I normally don’t make coffee in the morning because there’s a heat wave and I wake up at 1:30 in the afternoon.

But this afternoon I woke up craving coffee. The same groggy, pulsating headache I got every time I woke up needed some therapy, and I figured that’s what coffee was for so I made my way for the Keurig.

I rinsed out my coffee mug that said “EAT. SLEEP. WRITE.”

I felt guilty because I’d been ignoring the latter, but the guilt disappeared into my subconscious once I popped the K-CUP into its compartment. The satisfying *CLICK* pleased me — made my day.

I saw a pincer bug crawling towards my mug, I figured it wanted to write too. Or sleep. Or eat. After giving it 4 seconds of travel time, I decided to end its life. I ripped a piece of Kirkland brand paper towel and grabbed it by its torso and threw it in the sink — I wanted it to squirm. After 2 seconds of watching it crawl around in the sink, I turned the water on.

I pressed the GO button for my coffee, some steam let off and the pouring commenced like the countdown to some place.

The pincer bug was swirling around in the water and I figured I treated it like a terrorist long enough so I let off on the water.

It kept moving.

“This fucker really wants to live.” I thought.

Its resilience pleased me, but this was personal now. I switched the hot water on and after a beat of boiling, I let off.

It still kept moving.

“This fucker really wants to live.” I thought.

I grabbed a lighter and pulled its poached carcass out of the sink, it was still squirming east to north to southwest. I laid it down and set it on fire. The squirming stopped.

It took two waterboards and a lighter to kill this fucking pincer bug. I could've and probably should’ve stopped after tossing it in the sink, its legs and antennae were probably broken and it would’ve lived a shitty life after escaping the sink. After being made fun of for being broken it would’ve killed itself under the shoe of a gargantuan like me, but no, I drowned it, and drowned it, and finally burned it.

I respect the pincer bug I murdered because even after being crushed, and thrown, and drowned, it still fought to live.

If I have a bad day I’m ready to be burned alive.

I really want that pincer bug’s resilience.

— my coffee is done.

Anthony Jauregui, 23

Bamphony

Half Bad Ass Half Phony