Sex and the City-State
The rarely performed porno scene in“Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
Yeah, it’s actually pornographic, but we just did it for laughs so don’t get all weird next time you see us.

Athens, 800 B.C.
It was a dreadfully hot Saturday night in Athens that found me sitting in a bar near the Temple of Poseidon. I was surrounded by potted ferns and men in cheap togas, neither of which were very good conversation. The heat was stifling, but as hot as it was, it was about to get much hotter.
It started the way it always does: innocently enough. An acquaintance from the theater world sidled up to me and mentioned that he was on his way to the set of porno. I was intrigued. He asked if I’d like to tag along and I immediately said yes, partly out of curiosity but mostly because my drink had gotten warm.
We arrived on the set of a production entitled A Big Cummer’s Tight Ream. It was written and directed by Peter Quince, and if that name sounds familiar, it’s because almost every porno you’ve ever seen starts with the iconic “A Peter Quince Production,” replete with throbbing lute music.
Quince was tall and rugged and draped in fine Egyptian cotton that somehow wasn’t drenched in sweat. His sandals were made of calves leather as soft as a sacrificial lamb, and his body, bronzed and muscular, was oiled up like a hot guy with oil all over his body. I was even more intrigued now.
He was looking through a burlap sack full of rubber dicks and scrutinizing the contents. I coughed gently to let him know I was there, but apparently this giant bag of dildos was more interesting than me. He was clearly in work mode and, as my friend told me, he was a real “no oxen shit” kind of guy.
I’ve heard that porno actors, like sailors, are a superstitious lot and believe that having a woman on set is bad luck. But if they objected to me, none of them mentioned it. And to his credit, Quince seemed to welcome my presence, if only for the publicity.
He nodded in my direction then barked at his cast, “We’re behind schedule. We don’t have time to fuck around, so let’s get right to the fucking around.”
The cast was bedraggled but oozing a sexy sensual sexuality which is only found in the brooding Mechanical class of Athens. I slept with a Mechanical once and found the sex to be anything but.
“Ok, you fuckers,” Quince barked. “I’ve assigned the cast, so listen up for your role. Bottom! You’re going to play Pyramus, the male lead.”
“Does this Pyramus have an immense cock? A dick as long and wide and as fluted as a Doric column?”
“Yes, Pyramus has a dick so colossal he could fuck an Oracle’s cave and still have dick left over for the Oracle.”
Bottom pumped his fist triumphantly. “Then I shall play this part and make my shaft so large that it will stuff two caves and two oracles, and a donkey-
“NO DONKEYS!” shouted Quince angrily.
This was an ongoing argument between the two.
“Next up, Francis Flute. You’re going to be Thisby.”
“Is Thisby big dicked as well? Does he get to fuck everyone else because he’s got such a humongous ‘D’ and they all say, ‘Thisby, it’s so big?’”
“No. Thisby is a Lady. This is a straight porno and somebody’s got to play the woman.”
“A lady? But my beard is coming in!” he protested.
“She can wait in the dressing room,” Quince said tersely. “You’re playing the lady and that’s final.”
Bottom interrupted. “Let me play the lady! I can make my voice all girly and do lady stuff.”
Quince was visibly annoyed. “No! You have the tremendous dong. Flutey has the child-sized balls and the teeny-tiny mouse dick. He plays the lady and, I’m sorry to typecast here, but you play the guy with an enormous boner.”
They both pouted but seemed to accept their roles.
“Next is Robin,” called Quince. “Robin, you shall play Thisby’s mother”
Robin, a strapping young star, strutted forward, strapping on a sturdy strap-on, and strode on stage, strikingly.
“Tom Snout? Where’s Snout?”
From the wings of the stage came a man with the most enormous nose shaped like a penis that I have ever seen. Meaning, that I have seen enormous noses and I have seen noses shaped like penises, but I have never seen both qualities so admirably displayed in one penis-shaped nose.
“Snout, you play the dad who fucks people with his nose. And finally, Snug, you’re the lion.”
Snug seemed happy to play the part of an animal for he was immediately down on all fours.
Bottom quickly chimed in. “Let me play the lion! I can be ferocious! Roar! Or better yet, let me play a donkey-”
“GODAMMIT, BOTTOM! No! Okay, places everyone. We’re losing light!”
True professionals, they scrambled to their marks. Flute pulled on a blonde wig and Bottom oiled his cock. Snug did his best lion roar and gave himself a quick fluff to get hard for the scene. Everyone waited expectantly for the cue.
“And….ACTION!”
Bottom entered with a toolbelt slung low under his king-sized balls.
“I heard you’re having problems with your aquaduct, ma’am.” It was an awkward line read, but there would be no re-takes for dialogue.
“Yes, the aquaduct is totally dry. Unlike my panties which are soaking wet.”
Out of nowhere, throbbing lute music began playing as Flute dropped to his knees and got to work trying to force Bottom’s cock into his mouth. It was not an easy task. It was as if he were trying to swallow his own fist and forearm, that is, if his fist were holding a pomegranate. But then somehow, like magic, his throat opened up and Bottom’s enormous tree-trunk disappeared down his gullet. Tom Snout nuzzled Flute’s ass with that jumbo-sized beak-weiner of his, sliding it in slowly. And just like that, Flute was getting spit-roasted like a wild boar.
“Roar!” yelled Snug. “I’m a lion!” He entered the scene sensuously, like a cat that chews on scenery. He began slowly stroking his long pole which, while nowhere near the size of Bottom’s massive third leg, was still impressive. Robin entered next, oiling up the strap-on, and kneeled behind Snout. “Tsk Tsk, Daddy,” he said, raising Snout’s tunic and grasping it like the reins of a chariot. “You deserve a good ass pounding.” With that, he plunged the strap-on to the hilt, which caused Snout to shove his wiener-shnozzle further into Flute’s ass, which caused Flute to take even more of Bottom’s monstrous tool down his throat.
I glanced over at Quince and he was nodding at the performance, a maestro at work. “Lion, get in there. Jack off on Snout’s face.” Snug obliged immediately. This performance was like a well-oiled machine, literally I suppose, because these were Mechanicals and they were covered in oil.
They throbbed and pulsed and writhed in unison, nearing a climax, both narratively and sexually. Suddenly Bottom roared out “Fuck yeah! Let’s get a donkey in here!”
The music stopped.
“CUT!!! God-DAMMIT, Bottom. No fucking donkeys!!!”
And then I wondered, would it really be so bad to see him fuck a donkey?

We wrote this for the Shipwreck competition, which is totally hilarious and fun and you should go check it out if you’re in San Francisco when it’s going on.
