A New Political Party For A New Israel

The political scene in Israel is like this: all the elected politicians lie constantly, to everybody. To the public, to each other, to foreign allies, probably to their cat when they come home at night.

Everybody knows this. But they feel (wrongly) that they have to vote for SOMEBODY. So they pick the guy they feel lies least, or whose lies they most enjoy hearing, or, most commonly, the one they think is lying to everybody else more than he is lying to them.

In other words, the thinking process is like this: “of course, Bibi is a lying son of a bitch, and the many things he promises are contradictory, and he knows that some of them are lies. I hope that he will keep the promises that he’s making which I like, and that the ones which I don’t like are lies.”

This is the case for every single party, from the Haredim to the Likud to Shas to the Jewish Home to the Arabs and Communists.

Now, of course the above reasoning process is doomed to failure. When you vote for a liar in the hope that he will not lie to you so badly, and keep voting for him, it’s exactly like marrying a prostitute-and staying married to her after she cheats on you. I think this is the reason that “cuck” has become the standard insult directed towards the mainstream right wing in the US.

Israeli voters exist in the position of the king’s servant who brought the king a rotten fish, and the king decreed that his punishment is to either eat the fish, be lashed or pay a fine. He tried eating the fish, but it was too disgusting. He tried taking the lashes, but they hurt too badly. So he paid the fine. In the end, he got the worst of all worlds.

The Israeli voter exists in an anti-optimal world, where he is not only ruled by people who actively work against his interests, but at the same time lie to him, and he is forced to be complicit in all this. “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself, huh?” He’s in a permanent lose-lose scenario.

Therefore, I think that the way forward is to form the Ben Zonah Party (BaZ). For my non-Hebrew readers, “ben zonah” means “son of a whore” in Hebrew.

Our platform will be complete and total corruption and dishonesty. Hear me out, please.

1. BaZ promises to faithfully represent the personal interests of its leadership.

2. BaZ promises to join any coalition which will accept it, even (especially) one which is based on principles completely inimical to everything BaZ promised to get votes.

3. BaZ swears to betray any political coalition which it joins, whenever as betrayal is the profitable course of action.

4. BaZ promises to buckle under foreign pressure, especially if that pressure involves thinly veiled promises of lucrative speaking and consulting engagements for BaZ MKs after they leave the Knesset.

5. BaZ promises to betray Israel’s allies and propitiate its enemies, and show a complete and utter lack of spine or principles at all times.

6. Should BaZ accidentally represent that it stands for any sort of principles, it promises to immediately betray them in as spectacular fashion as possible.

7. BaZ swears to look forward only to the next election, and never to consider Israel’s long-term national interests.

8. BaZ will buy votes wherever they can be had cheapest, through blatant promises of budget re-distribution to its constituents, whoever they may be.

9. BaZ will betray the interests of the Jewish people as a whole at every turn, whether those interests come in conflict with the Arabs, the Sudanese “refugees”, the elite of North Tel Aviv or the desires of the New York Times Editorial Board.

10. Should the interest of the Jewish people as a whole and those of BaZ voters conflict, BaZ will, of course, support the interests of the Jewish people, unless they conflict with the interests of the groups listed in Point 9.

The BaZ voter simply can not lose!

Either his elected representatives will remain true to their promises, in which case he is no worse off materially than he would have been voting for any of the other parties. And he has the moral satisfaction of being part of the only group of voters who are not freiers (suckers,) and who are represented by an honest party which faithfully carries out their promises.

Or, if BaZ betrays its platform and does the right thing, its voters will have the satisfaction of being represented by the only morally decent party in the whole Knesset, the only one which does the right thing for its voters and the Jewish people as a whole.

BaZ is antifragile, and its voters are anti-cucks! They can not fail to win! They will win so much that they will get tired of winning!

(nah, I lied-we will never get tired of winning. Already you can see me holding true to BaZ’ core principles.)

PS If this thing gets traction (measured in likes and shares, I guess,) I promise to look into what it takes to register a party and get it off the ground.