MOAB dropped in Nangarhar

U.S. forces in Afghanistan dropped a 22,000-pound bomb on Islamic State forces in eastern Afghanistan Thursday, the Pentagon announced in a statement.
Gen. John W. Nicholson, the commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, said the bomb was “the right munition” to use against the Islamic State because of the group’s use of roadside bombs, bunkers and tunnels.
It is the first time the bomb, called a GBU-43, has ever been used in combat. The GBU-43 is one of the largest air-dropped munitions in the U.S. military’s inventory and was almost used during the opening salvos of the Iraq War in 2003. By comparison, U.S. aircraft commonly drop bombs that weigh between 250 to 2,000 pounds.

Using my official US military-issued Remote Viewing skills (yes, I am a Man Who Stares At Goats…Who Stare Back Nervously), I’d like to offer an official unofficial Bomb Damage Assessment Report.

Materiel destroyed: 1 (one) Islamic State fortification complex-5 (five) hand-dug bunkers, 1 (one) entrance to a kariz underground water tunnel, 2 (two) mud brick huts, 3 (three) AK-47s, 1 (one) RPG-7.

Enemy KIA:

  1. Islamic State brigade commander Mullah Haji Gul Bahadur. HGB, a 35 year old Khogyani Pashtun, has been a member of the Islamic State since 2016. His allegiance was primarily motivated by his desire to continue his quest for blood vengeance against the local Shinwari Pashtun tribe, stemming from the infamous 1972 incidents where a lame donkey and an eighth of a hectare of semi-arable land were stolen from his subtribe of the Khogyani. Because the Shinwari had declared allegiance to the Taliban, HGB originally joined the opposing Afghan National Police. Since the ANP fled the area in 2015, leaving behind a trail of rusted M-16s, abandoned chai boys and an extensive collection of local hashishes, HGB switched his allegiance to the Islamic State.
  2. Half of HGB’s Islamic State Eyeliner Monotheism And Jihad Brigade (ISEMAJB): six of his nephews, ranging in age from 12 to 17, who had been inspired by their father’s bullshit stories of slaughtering Soviet soldiers by the thousand in the 1980s.
  3. Salim Al Quraishi, a mildly inbred foreign fighter from Saudi Arabia advising the ISEMAJB, whose family had gotten tired enough of his idiocy and rambling Salafi sermons that they bought him a one way ticket to a Pakistani Madrasa.
  4. A toothless Islamic State goatherd, who was unable to heed pamphlets dropped by the US Air Force over the previous week asking civilians to leave the area, due to being illiterate.
  5. Six Islamic State goats.

Second, Third, Fourth and Fifth-Order Effects:

  1. 85 personnel from the US Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps have been recommended for medals to recognize their meritorious performance which was critical to the success of this mission. So far. Another 348 will have their participation noted in a bullet point on their annual Officer/Non-commissioned Officer Evaluation Reports.
  2. Northrop Grumman and Lockheed Martin have announced the development of a Grandmother of All Bombs, which will only cost twice as much as a MOAB but be 4–8 times more combat effective, depending on the set of metrics used, and will include features such as stealth, vertical takeoff and landing modes, and heated grips.
  3. At the time of the writing of the report, the surviving members of the ISEMAJB have been joined by 20 additional Khogyani recruits, who were attracted from the surrounding districts by the noise of the exploding MOAB.
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