13 Facts About Competitive Badminton, For All We Know

How to make “on-the-court french fries”
  1. Ball boys are called “cock boys” in badminton.

2. Half of Olympic badminton players describe themselves as “solid” or “pretty athletic” but are technically obese according to BMI calculations.

3. Steroid abuse is higher in badminton than all other Olympic sports combined.

4. Super-secret bonus rounds have players pitching potatoes for on­-the-­court french fries.

5. Since the “talk pretty” rule was abolished, the language on the badminton court has become absolutely filthy. The Olympics has to hire a guy with a censor button for every match, but even he can’t stop all the flying fucks.

6. It actually doesn’t say anywhere in the rules that a golden retriever can’t play badminton.

7. There has not yet been a film based on the first all black badminton team.

8. Badminton games are frequently stopped for “emotional fouls.” An “injury” can be caused by something as subtle as eye contact or “judgmentally breathing” in someone’s direction.

9. Ties are settled with a mutual massage in badminton.

10. Despite that the Russian Olympic Badminton team hasn’t held practice since 2008, they are the projected winners in 2016.

11. Half of America’s Olympic badminton team died in a Cessna crash 4 weeks ago.

12. Olympic teams mostly consist of college athletes. Professional badminton players have corporate sponsorships and playoffs to worry about.

13. There are a few more slots on the New Zealand badminton team due to steroids and disease scares. You have to apply by the 31st, though. And make sure your cover letter is good.