The Hidden Evils of Coconut Oil

Big coconut will tell you their product “improves digestion, promotes skin health, prevents gum disease,” and has a million more too-good-to-be-true, pseudo-scientific benefits. But the only thing true of your precious coconut oil is that it makes these lies go down easier.

Open your eyes and see the slippery truth: the coconut cabal has been responsible for some of the world’s greatest conspiracies. The fake rocks at the moon landing were made of solidified coconut oil. The bullet that killed kennedy was made of frozen coconut oil, that’s why they never found it. And that’s just the tip of the solid coconut oil iceberg.

Coconut oil causes birth defects in babies.

My buddy’s wife bought into the hype about coconut oil and used it all the time while pregnant, despite my warnings. Sure enough, her baby came out all fucked up. I saw it a couple days after it was born and it just seemed totally out of it. Its head was really big and it threw up, like it was sick. Coincidence? I think not.

Coconut oil is basically poison.

Believe it or not, coconut oil has a pH of 0.3, the same as that of sulfuric acid. No one seems to care that this poison is on shelves all across the country for our kids to find. Go to to see pictures of all the people who have been burned. (Not for the squeamish.)

Coconut oil was originally a war weapon.

In the military defense funding boom after World War II, coconut oil was refined in a government laboratory, and by the time we entered Vietnam, the corrosive and highly flammable substance was being used by the U.S government to murder thousands of innocent civilians.

Coconut oil is a sleeper carcinogen.

That’s right. Healthy, natural coconut oil is probably going to kill you. Look it up: 50% of people who died of stomach cancer in 2015 had eaten coconut oil in the previous two years.

Most coconut oil is made by child slave labor.

This was the hardest truth for me to swallow. But here it is as plain as day: 3 kids die for every 24 oz jar of oil that comes off the shelves. I have seen the grainy aerial photos of the work camps they live in and it is heartbreaking. And from what I have heard, they make the kids crush the coconuts and squeeze out the oil with just their tiny little hands.

Coconut oil makes you fat.

When I first started investigating coconut oil, I was skeptical about the miracle weight-loss claims, so I put it to the test. I put it on everything I ate for a month: pasta, fried chicken, french fries, pizza — I didn’t lose a single pound. In fact, I gained about 10. So I started thinking — why would the government want us to be all shiny and obese? Oh, right, this plays right into the hands of Obamacare. I won’t go into it here, but I’ll save you the reserach trouble:

Coconut oil does nothing to stop pregnancy.

There are thousands of unplanned pregnancies every year, and coconut oil is booming. Coincidence? Never.

Coconut oil was found at the 9/11 crash site.

We live in dark times for sure, but the truth is out there. Weeks after 9/11 people were finding liquid coconut oil on ground zero. These things don’t happen by chance. Take a look at the video with the molten metal (you know the one). How did they heat metal up to such a high temperature you ask? The answer is in the oil.

Coconut oil doesn’t do anything to make cigarettes more safe.

In fact, after being dipped in coconut oil they usually won’t even light, and you have to go buy a whole new pack. Waste of time, waste of money.