About the fear of publishing
I’ve been writing for many years, and last week it was the first time I let someone read one of my texts. Even my graduation thesis, which was extremely academic and reflected almost nothing of me, was only read by my teacher (later on, I found out she shared it with a few colleagues, which made me feel really uncomfortable). It’s been 3 years I graduated from University, 3 years I wrote my Bachelor thesis and my parents still ask to read it. I never let them. Probably because their opinion is the most important one. I know, it is a completely irrational thought, but sometimes the irrational part of me is in charge, telling me I’m not good enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going through a ‘hard time in my life’, but that’s what evil Bea says to dreamer Bea. And guess what! I’m tired of evil Bea, she wastes a lot of my energy and it’s time to tell her to fuck off!
People always say you should write what is true to you, so that’s what I’m gonna do. Maybe putting my demons out in words, I can get rid of some. Maybe telling you about my fears and rages, loves and passions, you will feel you’re not the only one. Someone I met last week (one of the first people to ever read one of my texts) asked me “Why do you write?”, I answered “Cause it’s the only way I can organize my thoughts. Sometimes my mind goes 1000 kilometers per hour and I get caught by the most stupid details. The beauty about writing is that your fingers are slower than your mind and they force it to slow down and get a better perspective of any situation”, she answered “Fair enough. If your writing is for yourself, why do you wanna publish it?” and I just vomited words I didn’t even know existed in my mind, “Reading some writers made me realize other people have the same fears and problems as I do, and it made me feel less lonely, a bit more understood. If I can do this to someone else, I’ll be the happiest woman alive”.

So here I am, on the pursuit to one day create beauty out of words. For those who don’t know me, my name is Beatriz Domingo, but you can call me Bea. I was born and lived for 23 years in the chaotic city of Sao Paulo in Brazil but I dare to say I’m a Berliner now. I’ve been living in Berlin for 2 years and don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon. I love art, I love reading, I love writing. I love my family, my friends and my boyfriend with whom I’ve been sharing great moments for many years. I’m used to the warm but love the cold. I’m used to the loud but love the silence. I love going to places where no one knows my name, it gives me the safety to be myself somehow. I love my alone time but I also love meeting new and inspiring people. I love taking time to roll my cigarettes, sometimes even more than smoking them. I love studying about gender and sex, so if you plan on reading my texts, they will probably be about it. My dreams involve living in a glass and wooden house in the countryside, close enough to the beach and to an exciting city, with a bunch of kids and a dog, baking my own whole grain bread, eating fruits I helped to plant, and writing.
Last night I finished reading an amazing book from Maya Angelou called Mom & Me & Mom. It’s the story of her life from the perspective of her relationship with her mother. I read it in ‘2 seats’ (Brazilian expression meaning ‘really fast’. Yes, first post and I’m already taking artistic license) and it inspired me to start publishing. Maya suffered many tragedies in her life, rapes, violence, abandonment, having to take big responsibilities at a really young age. Being a black poor young mom born in the 1920s in the USA, circumstances were not on her side, but she managed to express her beauty, touch people’s lives and create amazing pieces of art. She was an enlightened soul for sure, but she had some other special thing that made her talent flourish to art. Against all odds, she believed she could do it: “That would be good, and I would become a writer. I was young enough and silly enough to think that if I had said so, it would be so.” And so am I.
If you felt connected to these words or if you hated every single sentence, feel free to comment below, share, recommend or get in contact with me by Facebook.
