Breaking Out of Bra Jail

There’s a lot of arbitrary rules women follow. They aren’t written out, it’s a list of unspoken rules that we pick up unconsciously. Women must remove the body hair from their armpits and legs. Women should take pride in their appearance, but not too much pride. Women, especially busty women, must wear a bra every day. It’s not usually something we think about. We do it because we believe that we’re supposed to and rarely question it. It becomes part of our daily reality, and we’re accustomed to it.

I’ve mentioned this before, but when puberty came for me, it hit me hard. I had fat in places I never had before and all the sudden I had boobs. Giant boobs. I had a C-cup by the time I was thirteen. Since I don’t come from a family of big-chested women, this development was mainly surprising. Where did these things come from? And what do I do with them now?

What I quickly learned is that if you have boobs, you wear a bra. If you have small boobs, maybe you can get away without one. If you have big boobs like me, it’s a requirement. And if you want your breasts to look the way society tells you they’re supposed to, you’re going to need a big, thick bra with an underwire to keep them in place. And you’re supposed to wear it everywhere. I often times wore a bra even in the comfort of my own home. I lived with my mom and stepfather, and I didn’t feel comfortable not wearing a bra with a man present. It’s ok for women to know what each other’s bodies actually look like, but heaven forbid a man notice.

So, I put appearance over comfort, even though that is not what comes naturally for me. I live for comfort. I gave up wearing heels a few years ago because I’ve never been able to wear a pair for more than 15 minutes before getting frustrated. I live in ponte pants because they feel like an acceptable way for me to wear something similar to yoga pants every day. I have IBS and acid reflux so I generally avoid any constricting clothes since they make me feel worse. But I still wore the bra every day. Somedays, I even slept in it.

As the years passed, it got more cumbersome. I became progressively more overweight, and therefore my boobs have become more massive. The bras available to my breast size become more limited. Bra shopping for my larger size became a nightmare. I’d pick out a bra I liked and try to find the biggest one. Most of them still weren’t big enough. So I’d pick out a different bra. I’d do this over and over again. When I had a small collection that seemed like they might work, I’d go try them on. More often than not, it ended with me holding back tears in the dressing room. Not a single damn bra fit.

I got by with an older bra that didn’t quite fit for a while, but I could feel the wire digging into my flesh at any given moment. Moreover, it was starting to wreak havoc on my acid reflux. On bad days, the combo of the bra and acid reflux made it hard for me to breathe. The pain wouldn’t subside until I took the bra off. I started secretly unhooking my bra in public just so the pain would stop. I looked forward to going home so I could finally take the damn thing off every day.

One day, I decided to skip the bra and put on a tank top with a built in bra instead. Most of my life I’ve believe my boobs were too big for that to be an acceptable substitution, since my giant breasts make spaghetti strap tanks seem borderline pornographic. But I simply used it as an undershirt, and continued to get dressed. Then, I went out with some friends. I thought someone might say something, but no one said a thing. Either no one noticed, or no one cared. The only one who cared was me.

Next day, I woke up and did the same thing. And the next day. And the day after that. Several months passed and I went on every day with no bra. I would put on a tank or a bralette and continue my day as normal. Were my boobs as perky as I was told they should look? No, but I found out I didn’t care. They’re my breasts, and they’re allowed to look however I want them to.

I’m still not comfortable going out in public without any support. Not necessarily because of what others will think, as much as I don’t personally like how I look without any support. But I’ve realized bras are arbitrary and the most important thing is how I feel, not how others perceive me. Overall, going braless is one of the best choices I’ve made for myself. I have no intention in going back.