Life goal.

“We are all stories in the end” -Doctor who

I love this saying. We are just stories in the end. So why not make your life an amazing story to pass on.

Who,wants to be remembered for working their life away? I certainly don’t. I want to be remembered for pushing my limits, for striving to help others and for pure love.

How do I attain that. Well I have no idea yet. I’ve been wanting to start a program of some form to help abused children attain the support and have their needs my after having experienced something so traumatic it follows you like your shadow threatening to swallow you through the years.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told “well if you do this ____________ I’m sure you will get past it. I have had my efforts to cope and deal with my own trauma disregarded as not the right way to heal.

What I feel people need to understand about trauma there is no set time that you should recover. If you haven’t experienced exactly the same thing down to the dates it happened then words that were said and the exact feeling I have had. Your opinion on whether or not it should still effect me is null.

I want to help people however I can, whether helping a mother who was abused find an apartment and find a babysitter. To letting a 5 year old talk to me about the coloring book they are working on.

I want to help others who have experienced trauma in childhood and help them by not expecting their wounds to be healed when we part ways.

For myself I have been in therapy since I was 5 off and on. I have experience consistently 20 years of some form of sexual emotional or physical abuse. I am 26 now, and for the last 4 years I have been in consistent therapy, some weeks 2 appointments of therapy in a week.

I want to emphasize how important it is not to expect someone to heal those wounds, though I also want to point out that we can feel the pain constantly even when we are happy. And yes we can be happy even with the shadow that follows us.

Some of you know what I have been through though most of you don’t. As you know I am married and we have had our problems especially this year, but we are doing great now. The abuse I mentioned that has happened in the last 5 years we have been together isn’t about Aaron though we have had some issues with emotional abuse on both parts, what I’m talking about is a mutual friend we have had. Someone I’ve known since I was 15 someone who my ex conditioned me to accept the abuse his friend placed upon me in the form of taking pictures up my skirt, using a massage which was supposed to help me heal my muscles in exchange for his hands “slipping” or a miss-drape of the sheets to take a picture or watch and look. I’ve been treated this way by so many of my ex husbands friends, with his permission, and his absolute refusal to stop it or stop inviting them over that it became a necessary evil in my life to be able to survive. When I met my husband he was fiercely protective of this friend. Considered him a brother. I loved my husband so much I accepted it would continue, I chose to wear pants instead of shorts or skirts because I didn’t like it. I hinted to my husband to test his reaction. But alas my husband doesn’t get the hints.. He would tell me to just have his friend give me a massage, but wouldn’t stay in the room even when I asked him too…. He didn’t know. Eventually I told him. And to my surprise he stood up for me, he believed me for the first time in my life I felt protected. I felt horrible for having the fears I had to tell him. For not believing he would believe me.

I just want to say to everyone who has experienced that betrayal of trust before, just because one person didn’t believe you or didn’t care enough to stop the abuse, doesn’t mean it is ok. It’s not you are worth more than that, if they don’t believe you leave, tell someone else.

My husbands trust in my words gave me the strength to start the process of an investigation into another abuser of mine, one from long ago. But they believed me too. And while I still feel the pain of these experiences, they believe me and it feels so amazing to have the support of the my love my husband, victims advocates, the sheriffs office, and of course my therapists, my family is trying to understand, my mother is here for me, as well as my siblings. But I have experienced a lot of “why didn’t you just tell someone” well when you’ve been conditioned to stay quiet that is your survival. So please understand when someone tells you about abuse, don’t ask why, because we ask ourselves that constantly. Just tell them you’re they to listen to them that you love them and that you’re sorry that it happened to them.