The only thing that isn’t chill is obviously the way your love interests responded to actual intimacy, and your emotional response to that response.

I’m not slow; I understand fully that the piece is satirical and should be read as such, but the fact that you’d write such a piece at all suggests you’re not as composed as you’re trying to make yourself out to be. It’s more than a little passive-aggressive.

It’s like someone bragging about how modest they are.

You’re trying to convey that your feelings are valid, and they are. No one could possibly deny this reasonably. But they’re misdirected. Stop being angry at past would-be lovers and use them as they should be used: as lessons in future filtration.

I’m not saying you should make lemons out of lemonade. I’m saying you should let lemons be fucking lemons and move on.