Existential Nihilist In Crisis
As I sit in my darkened boudoir, deep red curtains closed, only a slither of sunlight getting through and the burn of tears running down my cheeks, that cramping in my throat and feeling like a trapped animal in a cage I can’t help but take out my laptop and write some more.
How I want my existence on this bloody planet to end so that I don’t have to feel any more pain in all it’s forms.
Today’s emotional surge has come from a simple scroll down the Facebook main wall and things that I do not follow are presented and there was a mother cat playing with its kitten lovingly, tenderly, joyously, except the mother cat had no front legs and my heart felt like it had been shot and I burst into tears. I just wanted to wave a magic wand so this momma could not have to walk like a T-Rex any more and have the comfort of being able to play with her baby with all fours.
I closed Facebook uncontrollably crying and opened up Instagram. I clicked on the story of one of the funny pages I follow to try to change my mood and was put into a worse one when it was of a woman with only one real leg who moved her fake leg and it flew off. That was it. How can people find that funny? I can’t even imagine the difficulty and discomfort that would bring to someone! I’d never want to leave the fucking house if I were that person. I suddenly felt that same discomfort you’d get from having a wet sleeve you’re stuck wearing or wet sock that’s screwed up in your shoe; the worst discomfort which surpassed mental into practically physical.
I’ve burrowed myself down so deep into a safety hole that quite frankly I don’t even know if I am safe because sometimes you can do nothing and bad shit happens, but from whence I brazenly and fearlessly sat under the bright warm light of the universe, that light is now a small globe at the end of an ever-increasing tunnel that I am digging further down into until I won’t see any light.
It will be just me and my tiny surroundings and nothing else will exist unless it has to, like I have to go places sometimes and God damn I hate when I have to “go places”.
If I keep the world shut out of my vision then I can feel safer because it isn’t presenting itself to me.
No news channels.
No social interactions.
Just stay in the safety of my own home.
Stay in the burrow.
I get the comfort of knowing I am not the only one to feel this way, there are more of us but it just isn’t spoken of by many.
I see this planet for what it is; life requires energy to be taken from a source and used. That source is often a living being. It can be stolen from a prime source like photosynthesis, sulphur at a volcanic event or from a living being like a plant or animal.
There is no good way to live. No humane way to live life. Vegans are still killing plants when they assume they’re the better people. Their existence on their planet is the same as anyone else's.
Life is evil and don’t tell me evil doesn’t exist because it’s a made-up word; EVERY word in the dictionary is a made-up word! It’s called language.
I theologise that this planet called Earth is the equivalent of the made-up place that is called Hell.
I don’t understand why anyone wants to save the planet, for a start it IS going to die some day because its sun is dying as we speak, the same as everything on this planet from the moment it is born it begins to die. Which is why I don’t understand how people think the cruelty of bringing another life into the world is such a beautiful thing. Only evil can find beauty in something so morbid/macabre.
So when the sun dies and kills our entire solar system in the process none of anything that has happened on Earth will have mattered because it’s all for nothing.
Planet Earth is temporary which includes you and everything on it.
There won’t even be such thing as memories, it’ll be like nothing ever happened in the first place.
Why the fuck do people care about climate change, what a pointless piece of garbage. Before pollution and over population destroy earths habitability, I can almost guarantee the next megalomaniac lunatic will destroy it first with a bio weapon and that will be that. So, you all keep on procreating to keep the string of torture going.
God. If I were in charge of the world, I would stop all procreation immediately! Anyone who cannot see the cruelty of living on such a planet is either built for evil or blind.
Life is unfair and here’s why; we ARE born for no reason and no good reason. It is impossible that any of us asked to be here! Inevitably we are all going to eventually die. Yet, we have to study and work and make a living for the bare minimum. Everything is meaningless.
Whilst life is being extended by medications and medical advancements, it seems so far only the body is prolonged but the mind still ages withers and dies so you end up with the physically capable but demented. Then they’re stuck in homes to act like the demonically possessed creatures you see in horror movies until their minds shut their bodies down.
As for those who use that saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, they either haven’t experienced true trauma, or they’re lying to themselves so as to make themselves feel better for a situation they couldn’t or cant change.
It feels like an old Sega video game on arcade mode your spawned into existence and fight your way through every level until you die.
I wouldn’t feel so scared about being alive if I knew I had an off-switch for whenever I might want or need it but because everything on this planet is forced to just “carry on” whenever bad shit happens, it leaves me in a state of panic.
Not only that, but as you can see, I feel for every other living being on the planet and I also feel like I am trapped in the evil cycle of existence too because in order to exist we have to partake in the evil.
Surely there is a better place to exist in the universe than on some hell planet.
All we know is how this planet works; no pleasure without pain, no light without dark, no life without death, etc. Just because this planet requires a positive and a negative charge to make reality happen doesn’t mean there aren’t other planets or planes of the universe where it’s totally different.
I can’t abide these spiritualist people who think they KNOW the answers to life’s mysteries like why we are here for example; “Because you CHOSE to come to this planet to learn lessons to progress your reincarnation or level in the spirit world” WHAT spirit world? How does anyone know there is a spirit world? Also, why would anyone choose to come here (laughable), I certainly would never have chosen to, in fact I feel like if this is part of something deeper (spiritual) then it’s a jail sentence for energies who have come to pay for something.
Humans prove they think life is shit by making up spirituality, religion, and astrology.
They need to have something GREATER to believe in for themselves than the cold hard truth of how pointless and meaningless their lives are on Earth.
People know how small they are in this sea of Hell which is why they have an ego.
No one impresses me, correction; kind people impress me. How fucked up is that? Kindness should be a natural trait in everyone but it isn’t.
Unless you’re a mythical creature then your physique will not impress me. Unless you know everything (which no one does) then your degree in whatever the fuck you studied does not impress me.
Everything on Earth is mediocre and a mere fucking freak occasion.
Sometimes I wonder if I ought to go back on psychotropic medication because I think of wanting to not exist any more on a daily basis that if I wasn’t so scared of it going wrong, I would end it.
I have one small bit of love that keeps me going from my cat and I would protect her with my life if I had to. The love I feel for her is like a beautiful red swirling rose that blooms in the centre of my chest, its warmth soothes me.
I have to suffer with that love too out of a fear of anything happening to her so my anxiety levels are raised on high alert.
If it wasn’t for my beautiful cat, I would probably be looking for my exit right now.
Love B xx