That feeling

I wrote this story originally Russian in 2003. I gave it to the person who inspired it and added what happened at the end(spoiler: Nothing). It has no structure or plot but emotions. As far I remember it is based on true story, but back then I was very emotional, impressionable and romantic so it doesn’t tell much. I translated it into english but my language skills were not that great and I didn’t correct it so bear with me. Hope you will enjoy it anyway.

It’s so familiar to me that feeling,
When world leave under feet,
When thoughts are faint,
Your soul like on wives,
You’re happy naively believing in miracle,
Then anguish ruthlessly tears your heart…

I lie on my bed, midnight gloom surrounds me, there is tune about eternal theme, about theme that is in my soul. There is so weird confusion, some anguish tears me. I am happy with this excitement, but I am sad because again I keep silent. An inexplicable condition when heart knocks differently, my glance looks somewhere far. My eyes are empty. Now this world is not for me. I live inside my dreams, I fly in heaven. Every my desire, every my thought, everything is connected to her. I do not remember the moment of our meeting, I just took off on unprecedented height, something inexpressible encompassed me. I remember only one thing: I have never seen girl such she is but I have been dreaming about her all my life.

Imagine the shock when you have millions varied wishes and at one some moment you are realizing that they are all incarnated in one image. Imagine the moment when all your dreams are turning up on front of you and they are fulfilling. At first she stole my eyes, then she captured my mind but my heart did not resist. Now I am not walking I am flying happy and content. Cheerful smile is enhancing my face, bright shining is making my eyes amazing. Everybody looks at me in confusion and interrogate me suspiciously smiling. I change every second, I am infinitely happy then I am saddest person in entire world. Feeling as this encompasses everything. You are happy and you are sad because you do not make up your mind to tell about your feelings. At someone’s glance maybe I look ridiculous. When I am with her I feel trembling and fascination. I am afraid to look at her because I know that I will not be able to take off my eyes of her. My running eyes move around and stop at her. My face express admiration, in eyes appears unbelievable shining, glance is enchanted. How to describe mimics in condition of simultaneous admiration accompanying with invisible but catchy passion? I look at her and forget about everything, I subconsciously approach her, feel her seductive perfume, weakness, my knees curl up. I want to hug her. I want to hear how knocks her heart. I want to perceive touching of her smooth hair on my skin. I covet to present to her all my tenderness.

It is condition when feelings own me. It is arduous to control myself. It is difficult to breath. I am bewitched. I catch myself on thought that I look for meeting with her, I do everything to be next to her. It is condition when merge incompatible: strength and weakness, confidence and shyness. It is condition when you are sad and despite that you are inimitably happy.
It is true me, my deep personal feelings and true goals. What is all certificates and experience in public speaking if I cannot speak to one person who I want to talk most of all? What are numerous trainings if they cannot teach me to express my thoughts when I need it most?

I gave her this short story but I did not confess that it is about her. I told her that I did not invent plot or events but I just expressed what I felt. I looked at her amazement; I even noticed admiration in shining of her eyes. I felt desire to confess but I could not even open my mouth. I felt weakness and silent happiness. I don’t know if she guessed that it is about her, If she saw all in my eyes, but I really believe that most interesting in love at first sight is that it happens to people who knows each other for a long time…