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Become a bitter designer.

A 10 step guide (because god knows we need more of these) to becoming a bitter, jealous designer.

1.Blame everyone and everything else.

Why haven’t you won a bunch of awards? Why hasn’t Computer arts or wallpaper written a long in-depth article about your genius? Why does everyone else’s work look so much better?

It’s probably the client’s fault, the budget was too small. Or maybe the people on your team have been keeping you down. Who cares! Just make it clear that your failure was someone else’s.

Now you’re slightly pissed off at everyone/everything around you for holding you down.

Success! You’re on the bitter train.

2. Never accept a compliment

No matter what complement is thrown at you. Just point out whatever flaw there may or may not be. Or how much better it was in the old days, or how amazing it would be if you could have done it your way..

Example A
: “Hei…”
Sheep: “Hei! I love your new haircut!”
You: “You should have seen it the last time, was much nicer last time
Sheep: “O…k?”

Example B
: “Dude your design is looking really nice!”
You: “Meh.. I mean, If the client would have given me a bigger budget I could totally made something amazing”

By doing so you’ll never be excited about anything ever again. 
All complaints will bounce off of you and you’ll always feel incompetent!

Success! The bitter train is rolling .

3. You’ve seen everything before

If someone tries to show you something new inspiring shit. Just roll your eyes and mutter something about how someone has done it before or how Hello Monday totally made the same thing back in 2009. Another effective reaction is to lie about seeing/hearing it ages ago. You know, before it was mainstream. Preferably in a sarcastic tone.

Example C
: “Have you heard the new flume single”
You: “NoooOoo!…” 
you sarcastically proclaim while you frantically google flume
“…I live under a rock and Neeever keep up to date… Idiot. of course i have!”

Eventually people will stop recommending stuff for you. And you’ll end up wondering why everyone hates you and won’t share anything. A holes!

Success! You’re one stop closer to bitterness.

4. Sarcasm is your friend.

Love sarcasm like you love your line of cocaine after nap time. People will stop inviting you to their cheese and wine nights or whatever shit sheep do.

Example D
Sheep 1: “should we invite genius (thats you) to the brainstorm session on that awesome new project”
Sheep 2: “naaah, he’ll just roll his eyes at everything we say and be a sarcastic douche”
Sheep 1: “true… true…”

Fucking sheep! They won’t invite you to their brainstorming sessions? They’re too dumb to see how talented you are. Fuck em! They are totally beneath you.

Success! You’re almost halfway to bitter town.

5. Always sigh

If the sheeple ask you for anything. Always ALWAYS start your answer with a sigh.

Example E
Sheep: “hei! Could you help me out with this typography? You’re so good at that stuff!”
You: “…SIGH… I mean I’ll never be Eric Spikerman good, but i GUESS i can help”

Why won’t people ask for your help or advice anymore? Because they are dumb and they’ve convinced themselves they can do it without you. Poor sheeple.

Success! You’re halfway. 54% bitter, 49%genius.

6. People aren’t successful just lucky

Some brainless sheep that has less talent in their whole body than you have in your left testicle, surprisingly, makes it. They get featured in some fancy design magazine or blog (that you never liked anyway, so WHO cares?!). It’s probably because of some random reason that has nothing to do with hard work or talent.

Example F
Sheep: “Did you see that huge article on Tobias van Schneider?”
You: “NOOooo… i don’t read… of course i did! it’s just because of that big ass beard. If I had a beard like that… i would be in every magazine… I would be HUGE”

Remember they don’t know anything. The sheeple. You can’t learn from these zombies. You don’t need to learn. You’re an unappreciated genius.

Success! You’re one stop closer to being bitter. Bittersville here you come!

7. Be patronizing

Greet your colleagues with a patronizing, but not mean (we don’t want to get fired do we), nickname. Call them kids or, my favorite, Sheep. Something that gently reminds them every day that they are beneath you.

Example G
You: “good morning Kids!”
Sheep 1: “why does he keep calling us kids? He’s like 9 years younger than us?”
Sheep 2: “I don’t know.. he’a a dick”

Credit: – scene from «the general» 1962

Success! The bitterness is spreading. ALL ABOARD THE BITTER TRAIN!

8. Delegate and take credit.

Stuck on something? Some problem that you can’t find the solution to? Hard to imagine i know, you’re such a genius it never happens. But if it does… delegate that shit to some poor sheep. They might buckle and break under such a daunting task. Do you care? Nahh! Plenty of sheep in the herd. Wolves have no time for empathy.

But what if, by some miracle, they figure it out?! Well you totally knew they would. It was your genius and amazing foresight that predicted the sheep’s ability to solve the problem. You basically did all the work in the beginning anyways. You deserve all the credit.

All of the sudden no one wants to work with you? It’s because they are intimidated by your awesomeness.

Success! You’re almost there. Bittersville. Population: You

9. Keep bragging

So it was a success. The sheep gave you a hand (didn’t really help much, you could have done it all on your own if you had the time). You got all the credit and won some ambiguous award. Now it’s important to NEVER let it go. Always bring it up. Sure you haven’t produced anything of value for the company in 18 months. But you won an award! What have they won lately?!

Right around this time is when you’ll get fired. Why? They just couldn’t handle the jealousy. Short minded sheep.

Success! You’re now basically the mayor of bitter town. Next stop. The presidency.

10. Bitterness 6 feet under.

So they fired you. Or the client/colleague doesn’t want to work with you? Fuck em! They suck. Tell everyone how shit they are at every available moment. And most importantly NEVER forget. Take that hatred and bitterness to the grave

Credit: Giphy – Bete Davis in scene from «all about Eve»

Example H
Sheep doctor: “we don’t think you’ll make it through the night. Any last words we should pass on to your family?”
You: “sagmeister is overrated and material design is shit!” ….Flatline…..

Success! You are now the ruler of bitterness ville. The king or queen of the bitter isles. The president of bitter town. Now spread your wings and dance into the sunset on the back of a thousand sheep. Or whatever floats your boat.

On a more serious note. Don’t be a dick.

I was going to write a checklist of things to be aware of if/when I find myself in a rutt. Creatively and or personally. I have a horrible tendency to jump on the bitter train, the jealousy wheel, the I don’t give a fuck I hate everyone plane. And I desperately try to stay positiv. So I wrote this, if I ever feel the bitterness creeping up on me. I’ll just check this list and try to do the opposite.

To sum it all up. Stay humble, work hard and be nice.