Danger in Freedomville

Americans flee the Land of Opportunity for safety in Mexico.

Tensions are flaring at the Mexico-U.S. border as American citizens continue to flood into northern Mexico. Americans from Freedomville, Texas, a small town near the border, are desperately fleeing violence, social hardship and outright chaos after Freedomville’s government suddenly collapsed in July. After total anarchy engulfed the region, Americans crossing the border were deemed refugees by the United Nations (UN).

The huge surge in illegal immigration to Mexico has brought about a great deal of concern and anger, as the increase in population and clash of cultures are beginning to take their toll on Mexican society. The Mexican people fear for their well-being, complaining that the majority of illegal immigrants are coming equipped with semi-automatic weapons and cries of “‘Murica!” In response to these claims, migrants have demanded that Mexican thugs don’t unfairly paint them as violent people.

“The [undocumented] men keep on threatening to shoot our children while they’re playing outside, yelling about their right to bear arms and repeating that their self-defense claims will stand up in a court of law,” said one Mexican resident who wished to remain anonymous. “They won’t stop talking about their Second Amendment rights. When I explained to them that we don’t adhere to the U.S. Constitution in Mexico, they called me a traitor and suggested that I be deported.”

Mexican school districts additionally are struggling to deal with the influx of undocumented children enrolling in their institutions. Schools in Mexico opened in late August and saw their student body double in size. Many of the children are expected to need extra instruction in Spanish, including tutoring outside of school, officials say. Most illegal immigrants have no proficiency in Spanish, and though they have proudly stated they have no desire to speak any language but “American,” Spanish for Speakers of Other Languages (SSOL) programs have been promptly created.

Illegal immigrants from Freedomville mumble the Mexican National Anthem among citizens of their newfound country. via

Despite their undocumented status and disregard for the law, citizens from Freedomville wholeheartedly believe that crossing the border illegally is perfectly okay. “Listen up,” began Ron Johnson, a former police officer from Freedomville, “I’m from ‘Murica, the greatest nation to ever bless this filthy earth. We’re facing some tough times right now. Our government’s collapsed; drug violence is on the rise; hell, Freedomville’s starting to look like Mexico City. When the ‘Murican people are living in that kind of condition, you better believe we’ll do anything to escape and pursue our happiness.” Johnson began getting emotional, and after a tear fell into his mustache, he picked up his shotgun and walked away.

In addition to the horrendous condition of Freedomville and their inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness, citizens from Freedomville cited American Exceptionalism and Manifest Destiny as acceptable reasons for crossing the border illegally.

“I don’t understand why the Mexican people can’t take us in as refugees looking for a safe place to live and show some compassion to those in need,” said Gloria Smith, a former elementary school teacher from Freedomville. “I know that’s exactly what Americans would do if the tables were turned.”