Maintaining A Relationship From Prison

Whether it’s a marriage, dating or MWI (Met While Incarcerated) relationships from prison are not always easy. The choice to continue or start a relationship from prison is expensive and can be stressful. Between visits, phone calls, providing your partner with money for canteen and toiletries one can spend thousands a year to maintain their relationship that is impacted by incarceration and let’s not forget the loneliness that is felt by those who are on the outside.

So, why does one continue to maintain a relationship from prison?, why do some look to start a relationship with a prisoner? These are questions that many are afraid to ask and many will never understand the answer to.

Prison whether short term or long term as many lasting effects on the prisoner and their families. It’s proven that those who have outside and family support have much better success with reintegration than those who do not but this is not enough of a reason for most to ever maintain or begin a relationship with a prisoner.

For some a prison relationship is a fad, there is a growing popularity into prison relationships because media is starting to portray what this is all about to society. While it may not not always be accurate as media sometimes can misinform on things there is still a growing popularity on the issue. A life that is so unknown and in a sense taboo to most peaks the interest of some for reasons of wanting to know more, research purposes, gaining public exposure or just purely to find love. What ever the reason is I can only speak to those who truly do this out of love.

Many women who maintain prison relationships do so because they had a relationship prior to incarceration. They are are committed to their vows that they took at marriage of sticking together through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health. The vows taken at marriage seem to only be necessary to commit to and follow in every case except prison. When one becomes incarcerated it seems like it’s ok for them to lose everything right down to their family. If they became sick and a spouse left them she would be considered evil, but if she stays through a term of incarceration she’s considered a fool. What is the difference. Through thick and thin, good or bad it’s the same as in sickness and in health. Prison is a bad thing, no one wants to go there but let’s face it, laws are harsher and sometimes shit just happens. Maintaining a relationship from prison is not a bad thing. It’s a choice and one that requires a lot of commitment.

There are days that are hard and some days are unknown. There are days where you reach your wits end and wanna just give up – but you DON’T. You stay and remain a means of support because you know that the person you love has lost everything else and losing their family would be the cruelest thing. For many women they stay because they are all their spouse has. To leave would be unjust and heartless. Many look at what would be if the tables were turned and others just see that despite the situation they just can not turn their back on a loved one. They see that the circumstances are not ideal however the situation is not necessarily permanent.

Throughout my career I have made contact with many prisoners and many prison wives/girlfriends. I have seen which ones are truly loyal and committed and which ones are all about the life because they think it’s glamorous. Social media has given some insight into this unknown life however they have not full exposed the full truth. The real truth would maybe not give the ratings that media seeks.

Back to why women maintain these relationships, it’s simple. When you love someone you stick by them. You support them through the tough times as well as the good times. Love is not about being there only through the good. Those women who truly love their spouse do stay because they have committed to their partner. They see past the prison gates and the guards and still see their spouse. A human being that they love. Prison takes the human out of a person and tries to make them feel like worthless shit or like caged up animals. Staying and maintaining these relationships are vital to the progress of rehabilitation for a prisoner.

There is no doubt that some days are not filled with unicorns and rainbows. In fact most days are not. Most days are stress and there is so much uncertainty as prison brings inconsistencies and plenty of unknown especially if you are on remand. All of this aids in the stresses of daily life and relationships and many prisoners begin to feel that being incarcerated is putting a burden on their families and puts them into a phase of depression especially if they were once the sole provider and now are left to rely on another person. In many cases these prisoners realize that this life brings financial hardships to their family and in some cases try to push their spouses away as they often feel they are a burden and don’t deserve to have anyone help them. When a good wife realizes this they stay out of love not out of pity. If you truly love someone how do you leave them at the worst time of their life ? You can’t.

Prison relationships have many challenges. There are not just the financial issues but there are challenges that arise such as the issue of trust. Majority of prisoners lack trust. And the longer they stay incarcerated the less trust they have. They always think someone is out to do them wrong and always have their guard up. It’s a part of the prison life. You learn quick to trust no one. Trust is a important part of a positive and healthy relationship yet something that many prison relationships lack. How does one function with lack of trust?

A lack of trust makes relationships hard to function. In the real world it’s easier to gain ones trust. In prison trust becomes something that is earned. Many prisoners don’t know what loyalty and commitment are as they trust no one. They push people away who want to help and who truly show love to them. This prison life is not a life that is cut out for everyone. Those who relationships survive a prison sentence can survive anything because prison places so much stress on a couple.

There are many who try to sabotage others happiness because they have none left. Some believe that there is no loyalty and commitment as they have had failed relationships. Cheating is always an issue that makes prisoners lack trust. Many do not believe that a woman can stay loyal to them and far to often that is because some other prisoner puts it into their mind that if their wife does not answer the phone she’s clearly with another man. They fail to see the reality which is that a true prison wife does not have the time to cheat. Many work and therefore between work, raising the kids, talking with their partner on the phone being a means of support and going to visits there is little time to do anything else.

So this leads to the question of why do women stay when they are doubted and the answer is LOVE. They know that the reason the doubt is occurring is because of the setting their partner is exposed to. When surrounded by negativity you start to think in a negative way and those thoughts take over everything else. Many prisoners do not think they are worth anyone to stick by them because prison dehumanizes them but a true loyal wife will fight those negative thoughts and ensure her spouse knows she’s loyal. She will not give up and walk away no matter how hard it gets.

Some would say that this is a form of abuse and is toxic. Prison is toxic. It’s unhealthy. However prisoners are human and deserve to be loved and have family to and this is why women chose to maintain a relationship effected by prison. They love to much to let go and refuse to let the system take everything from them. Prison takes a loved one away. Most families dissolve and for a lot they never get that back. A select few will hold on and go through the challenges that arise with prison. They will hold on and fight back and those challenges do not end after prison. Even upon release there are challenges that effect a prisoner forever unless they have the right support to help overcome those challenges.

I give credit to those women who chose to stay. They are not fools like most of society thinks. They are true caring and compassionate people who see the importance of supporting someone going through this life just as it would be important to support a family member going through a serious illness. In reality prison is an illness. Majority of prisoners suffer from a mental illnesses or prison creates one for them. However these issues are never addressed and nothing positive is achieved. For many the only cure to one remaining and keeping their sanity is knowing that they have the support of a understanding wife on the outside.

For all those women who hold their man behind bars down and have their back no matter how bad things get I praise you. For those behind bars who have a woman who supports you and stands by you through it all even when there are days you know she does not deserve you should praise that woman. One thing a prison wife never gets enough of is appreciation. Many are are unappreciated and accept that because they understand that it’s hard to appreciate anything about prison. There is more negative then positive and appreciation is sometimes forgotten.

Before ever judging a prison wife for her choice to maintain her relationship consider this – it’s none of your business and her choice to do so effects no one but her. The sterotypes and negative judgement of others is not needed. Choosing to stay does not make you a bad person it makes you a strong person. If ones relationship can survive through prison they can survive through anything that comes their way.

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