Why Your Pastor Is Antisocial
I’ve been serving in local churches now for just over twenty years. During that time, I’ve noticed one prevalent pastoral epidemic — loneliness. It seems that church members want to socialize with their pastor, but it seems that more and more pastors tend toward isolation. I’ve thought about this trend, and I want to explain to church members why their pastor might appear to be antisocial. He probably wants friendship, but also probably feels unable to find it. Here are some reasons why:
1. The perceived need to always be “on.”
You may have heard your pastor talk about the fact that people are always watching to see how you live your faith. While there is certainly biblical justification for living a life consistent with the gospel, your pastor is speaking from experience. Pastors live in a consistent acute state of wondering, “Is someone watching me right now?”
Lest you think this silly paranoia, let me assure you that I have been spotted and observed in numerous places — movies, restaurants, and the like — only to be told about it afterwards. One day, after having an especially exasperating encounter at the local tax assessor office, a man came up to me and told me that they had visited our church on Sunday, and he was watching to see how I would interact with the difficult county employee. While I was certainly glad I had controlled my anger, I also wondered, “How many times are people watching me without ever telling me?” It’s difficult to not develop a subconscious need to always be in “pastoral performance” mode. And, frankly speaking, it’s exhausting.
2. Fear of hidden agendas.
“Pastor, we’d love to have you and your family over for dinner.”
Sounds innocent doesn’t it? Honestly, it tends to induce a mild panic attack. Why? Because pastors are regularly invited to events under the pretense of them being purely social, only to discover that the invitation was extended in order to talk about an issue of church concern the inviting family has.
You may think this unlikely, but in my 20-ish years of serving in church leadership, I’ve stopped counting the number of “ambush” meetings I’ve attended. In fact, you may find me cynical, but I now treat any social invitation as a surprise meeting. If it winds up simply being a friendly get-together, I’m always secretly thrilled. Want to honor your pastor? Invite him to lunch or dinner and from the outset tell him, “There is no hidden agenda. I simply want to spend time getting to know you.”
One more tip? Don’t call your pastor and ask to meet with him but refuse to disclose why. Maybe you want to come and bring him a gift. Maybe you want to encourage him. But he’ll assume you’re coming to tell him about something he’s done wrong or a problem in the church. Why would he assume that? Because that’s the way those meetings tend to go. Let him know why you want to meet, and, even if it’s to discuss a problem, he’ll have an opportunity to prepare. You wouldn’t want to go into a meeting unprepared to discuss an important issue; he doesn’t either.
3. Sometimes he has to be the leader.
Pastors are faced with a tricky task: Create and lead the church toward a compelling vision, all while maintaining relationships within the church.
Why is this tricky? Because every leadership decision affects members of the church. Your pastor probably prays and agonizes over those decisions. He knows full well that his decision will create relational tension with people who have, until this decision, been his friend. He also knows that after he makes this decision, those same people will begin treating him differently.
Pastors are called to lead the church in its mission, but they also need the community that the Body is intended to give. Sometimes the calling brings conflict. And, while the church members can find plenty of friends in the church, a pastor is left wondering, “Is it worth making another friend? Or will they, too, abandon me in times of leadership decisions?”
Additionally, pastors often discover that they cannot be transparent with their church friends, because information is used against them, either personally or in church business. It often drives pastors to relational isolation.
4. Sometimes he has to be the boss.
It is often more natural for pastors to be friends with the church staff — if there is one. They work together and are often concerned with many of the same issues. Unfortunately, pastors also are often required to supervise staff. In any employee relationship, that can create relational tension or awkwardness. Over time, pastors often withdraw from the staff, because they don’t want to violate relational boundaries.
To make matters worse, pastors often find that when they extend simple social invites to staff members, the staff members feel pressured to accept because the “boss” has made the invitation. That’s no fun for either party.
5. Those are often compounded by a geographical change.
Last, but certainly not least, many pastors are serving in cities that are not familiar. They move away from long-time family and friends to follow a calling, only to find experience the relational isolation the pastorate often brings. Now, however, their deep relational network has been taken away from them. While this often brings the pastor’s family closer together, it can certainly bring relational strain on he and his wife.
So what’s the solution?
I think the answer lies in the creation of spaces where the pastor is allowed to be a human — flaws and all. If you or your family feels up to that call, loving your pastor and his family is a great ministry, provided you can do so without needing to know everything he thinks about the church, without bringing hidden agendas to the table, and by joyfully following his leadership decisions. Can you do that? Honestly, most church members can’t. And, to be honest, most church members probably aren’t called to. But if you are, I would challenge you to create a safe space for your pastor and his family. He needs friendship and community, and he needs an opportunity to be a normal person, just like you.
Because he is.
