Can Someone Please Explain “The Cloud” To Me?
Until about 3 or 4 years ago, I knew big clouds in the sky were classified as cumulonimbus and if they turned dark it was going to rain. That’s it. That’s all I needed to know about clouds in order to be a fully functioning person within modern society. Today, however, there’s apparently a new kind of cloud that reigns supreme. THE cloud. This cloud has nothing to do with weather, is completely invisible, and has become one gigantic pain in my ass.
A wise person once said “it’s the things you don’t understand that you fear the most”. If that’s the case, then I’m less afraid of Iran’s nuclear program than I am of “the cloud”. It was as if I went to sleep one night and a technological coup had taken place, but no one bothered to tell me. I suddenly would overhear conversations of people talking about this supposed “cloud” and how they were uploading information to it. Are they messing with me? I obviously know that downloading is a thing, but uploading? Sounds like the old “go find me a left handed rake” summer-job joke to me. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a left handed rake or this “uploading” nonsense. I chose to ignore it.
Then, it happened. I was about to start my fourth biceps workout of the week when I inexplicably couldn’t play my Katy Perry jams from ‘08. I looked down at my phone and saw the song there, but I couldn’t select it. In addition to that, there was an amorphous blob next to the song with an arrow pointing downward. I had never seen this symbol before and figured it was just the second scoop of pre-workout kicking in. I always knew hallucination was a possibility with that shit. Despite my numerous attempts, I was Perry-less and had to deal with the commercials of Pandora for my 8th set of hammer curls.
I returned home and decided to try again. Within seconds I had the voluptuous tones of “I Kissed A Girl” bellowing out from my headphones. All was well. I guess iTunes was just having an off day at the gym, even Jordan had those.
The next morning I walked into the gym and decided it was a great day for a biceps workout. To go along with that, I obviously needed some Katy in my life. I felt like going with something a little more recent than ‘08, so I quickly searched for the smash-hit “California Girls”. They’re unforgettable. Lo and behold, there’s that fucking symbol again and obviously the song wouldn’t play. The third scoop of pre-workout was kicking in (the label kindly asks not to exceed one scoop in 24 hours, but I’m trying to get swole over here, brah) so I began to move on to other artists that may be able to guide me through 12 sets of preacher curls. Ke$ha, Ariana Grande, and even Dem Franchize Boyz offered no relief against that damn symbol though. Pandora time, again.
It just so happened that same night I was getting on a plane down to Florida (hence, all the biceps work). Confident that I had plenty of movies and tv shows previously purchased in my iTunes library, I swaggered onto the plane and ignored that I had a middle seat sandwiched in between a guy screaming into his cell phone at previously unknown decibel levels and a middle-aged woman who was certainly not going to let this 20-something male oppress her by taking over the shared armrest.
Once we had reached cruising altitude, it was time to watch some mind numbing tv series of which I had seen every episode at least 5 times. Reading certainly wasn’t an option since I was armrest-less. Well, that and I didn’t bring a book. Anyway, I navigated my way to the episode selection screen and there it was. That fucking symbol. This is thing has not only ruined my biceps pump, but now it’s messing with my travel experiences as well. Immediately I tried to use my fail-safe option of Pandora since it worked at the gym, but soon realized my efforts were futile on that front. I understand that there’s no internet on the plane which is why Pandora doesn’t work, but I own the music/shows I bought on iTunes. Those files should be in the computer! (Such a shame Zoolander 2 sucked.) Now it was time for me to handle this problem the only way I knew how. I ordered 2 bud lights, went to sleep, and assumed everything would be better in the morning.
Needless to say there were more than a few situations just like the ones mentioned above that took place over the next several months. Eventually I asked some of my friends about “the cloud” and they all looked at me as if I was a technological leper. Apparently everyone loved “the cloud” and all of it’s capabilities. Apparently it’s changing the world as we know it. Apparently all you have to do is connect to something called Wi-Fi. Apparently I’m an idiot.
Well if I’m so dumb, then maybe you can explain a few things to me regarding this “cloud”. Where is it? Why is it holding my purchased property against my will? Isn’t that illegal? Why does it take some songs/shows from me, but not all of them? Is it just a Katy Perry fan and leaves me with the crap I shamefully purchased by Chamillionaire as a sick joke? How do I contact someone that works for the cloud? Can other people use my cloud? Does my cloud live at my apartment since that’s the only place I can access all of my shit? The cloud isn’t a person, right?
While I feel like I’ve made some progress over the years in dealing with the cloud, it’s still a work in progress. Sometimes I can access the material that I purchased with my hard earned dollars and sometimes I can’t. I guess I’m ok with that realization. Seriously, I don’t let it get to me anymore. After all, we live in a world where you adapt or you die and I’m certainly not going to let some bullshit, stupid-fucking, terribly designed, spawn of satan symbol take me out. No really, I’m good. But also, please for the love of god someone help me.
