NEED TO KNOW

You Don’t Owe Your Partner Sex

You shouldn’t feel pressure to have sex with someone.

“No” is a complete sentence. (Image Source: Alycia Fung for Pexels)

Table of Contents:

Disclaimer
What is coercion, exactly?
Common coercion tactics include:
What’s the difference between coercion and consent?
You do not owe your sexual partner sex
Warning: graphic depiction of marital rape.
Parting thoughts

Disclaimer

This blog post contains written scenes of non-consensual sexual violence. Reader discretion is advised.

What is coercion, exactly?

Any attempts to control your behaviour, or your choices, by using manipulation or threats are categorised as coercion. Thus, sexual coercion occurs when somebody won’t accept “no” for an answer. Typically, these people will attempt to convince you into changing your mind about engaging in sexual activity with them. Sexual activity can include:

  • vaginal or anal penetration.
  • cunnilingus or fellatio.
  • kissing, licking, or sucking.
  • Fingering or stroking.
  • Grinding, rubbing, or touching.

Once you refuse to take part in sexual activity with someone, the story should end there. However, this doesn’t always happen. Some of the time, coercion is overt. For example, “If you don’t give me a blowjob, I’ll send intimate photos of you to your Facebook friends.” Other times, coercion can be covert. For example, “Let’s do a line together. Take off your clothes and we’ll see where the night takes us.”

Common coercion tactics include:

  • plying you with drugs or alcohol to make you more suggestible.
  • making threats.
  • guilt-tripping.
  • emotional manipulation.

When a person is frightened by the thought of someone making true on their threats, or are threatened with physical aggression or violence, they are more likely to give in to coercion. It’s a natural fight or flight response. Self-preservation becomes a priority. Sexual coercion can occur in romantic relationships and marriages, but it can also occur in other contexts — between friends, family, co-workers, at school, at a party, or anywhere else.

What’s the difference between coercion and consent?

If you don’t want to have sex, but feel like you owe it to somebody, or don’t want the other person to get angry, you are not consenting of your own accord. Coercion occurs when somebody tries to persuade you into engaging in sexual relations with them, even though you’ve already told them “no.” Threats may be used to obtain the outcome that they want or think that they deserve.

Consent occurs when two, or more, people voluntarily agree to participate in sexual acts with each other. Typically, consent is a verbal cue between participants.

You do not owe your sexual partner sex

Warning: graphic depiction of marital rape.

Although my personal experience with anal sex hasn’t been traumatic, some people aren’t given the time to prepare themselves for it, or the luxury to choose. One reddit user explained that while she was dating her husband, she was anally raped by a friend, who was later convicted of multiple rapes. Her husband had been the one to fight her rapist off of her. He had sat with her in the emergency room, stayed by her side while she was attended to by doctors. All in all, he knew how traumatic the experience was for her. Likewise, he knew that she was attending therapy in attempt to work through her trauma.

However, several years later, when she refused to have anal sex with him, he pushed the subject. He continually asked her, “what would have to happen?” in order for her to be okay with it. At one point, he began to pile on the guilt, growing frustrated with the fact that she wasn’t giving in to him. “I’ve seen all these tv shows,” he said, “everybody talks about it all the time…it’s supposed to feel awesome.” She shared that because of her damaging experience with anal sex, she associated it with rape, and she couldn’t move past her rape without dealing with it fully.

Later on, while they were in bed, he began to get frisky, begging her to “just get on board with it.” After giving her, what she thought was, a sincere apology, he pushed his penis into her anus with no warning. He, the man she trusted, misused her trust in the most disgusting manner. The reddit user explained that she remembers yelping out in pain and bursting into tears, which brought her husband to a reluctant stop. After telling him “no” for the second time that night, here are some of the guilt tripping remarks that he continued to make:

“I’m the one with the job at the moment.”

“All I do is give and give…now it’s your turn.”

“After everything I have gone through with you, I deserve it.”

Overwhelmed by his attempt at coercion, she stayed quiet as he proceeded to rape her. Afterwards, he acted as though everything was normal; he was cuddly and talkative. But the anonymous reddit user was so distraught, she couldn’t speak. Her husband noticed, and when she failed to respond to him after he questioned her about it, he told her that he’d give her some space to process it all. He removed himself from the room and slept in the guest bed. In response to the anonymous post, reddit user u/Paper_Stacks_ remarked:

Your husband seems extremely selfish in putting his desires over your mental wellbeing. He also manipulated you by holding your unemployment over your head. He did not care enough to get your enthusiastic consent, instead pressuring you to re-live a trauma for his own benefit. What kind of man enjoys a sex act that he knows his partner is actively suffering through? The unwanted penetration was rape, and what happened after could also be considered rape. Do not trust this man, get somewhere safe. Don’t explain yourself to him until you’re already gone. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your spouse should be the one person you are able to trust above all others.

This is extremely upsetting to think about. Emotional manipulation is never okay. If you’re going through a similar situation, know that you’re not alone. Remember, you don’t owe your sexual partner anal sex, or any sex at all. Give your sexual partners only what you’re comfortable giving them, and if they kick up a stink about it, I’d advise you to re-evaluate your relationship.

Parting thoughts

Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. If you don’t feel like having sexual relations with another person, but feel as though you owe it to them, understand that you don’t. Even when a person freezes you out, love-bombs you, threatens you, or supplies you with drugs or alcohol, you do not owe them sex, or anything else that falls under the bracket of sexual activity.

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Billie J. Boucher

Writer. Content Creator. AuthorTuber. Paranormal Investigator. Lover of Absurdity. Like my writing? Follow me on instagram @billiejboucher ❤