It’s Hard to…

Timothy Antoni (INA YES to USA YP 15–16)

We had joy, we had fun

We had seasons in the sun

But the hills that we climbed

Were just seasons out of time.

Westlife — Seasons in the Sun

Ah, at this time all the people call this our other home, so they plan to call it home-to-home. Melancholiest. Others call it “Life in a year, not a year in life.” Exaggerators. As we live it, it goes on; as we stop it, we miss something. Yeah, live is a never ending sphere of seemingly apparent tragedies, real-fun and made-up laughters, meteoric crash of experiences that will leave a hole for maybe ten-thousand years? It’s also a roller coaster of paradox; as you zeal yourself through life, most likely you will be “sealed.” But as you seal yourself, the zeal inside you pleas to come out from the void of the concealment.

Have you ever felt the effect of natural aesthetics of failure before? As you climb your way to the top, you work as hard as you can. But most of human-beings do too. Then how can you be special? How can you be unique and achieve the best while all those other people also work really hard (and almost everybody thinks he or she works the hardest) and reach the same summit? These questions cannot be answered satisfactorily for everybody. Back to the topic, the aesthetics work if and only if you can control it. When you almost reach the top of the hill, no matter how strong the winds will blow, how painful the body is, how loud people below shout to you to break your focus down, and how threatening the flying stones are to you, you’ll still reach it anyway. Humans need voluntary willingness to endure, even in their final days where everything seems to be just “ah I’m used to this,” because it’s not an achievement if you send your mind to another world while your limbs work hard in the real world (involuntary endurance, also called “forget it” mentality.) Our life path during this adventure is NOT like what people out there say: “It will increase as the day of departure nears-honeymoon stage-, and then decrease to the lowest bottom-anxiety stage-, then you climb back up-adjustment stage-, and finally the rather-declining acceptance stage.” It’s instead a generally gentle inclined slope, with ups and downs that are very, very small compared to the main slope itself. Life itself never become backwards. There’s no way to go backwards in life, that’s why no matter how low the point in your life is, it’s nothing compared to what you have achieved in your entire life process. Life always progresses; it’s never going to go lower than what you already have climbed and what you have already given by Him.

Now you’ll understand why I mentioned the word “melancholiest” and “exaggerators.” Home-to-home folks? Come on, you’ve got to be kidding me! If you don’t know what a home really means then don’t try to use it to add some sad notions in that. If you know how to learn English well, you should have known how to respect the usage as well. I know it’s sad but that doesn’t mean our real home has been divided to two (or added by one)! A home is where you grow up and feel belong to WITHOUT having to do anything in return. And when you are also united with them, even though they do not do what you think is your basic right. Say, your host family decided to not feed you and not open their house for you for 2 weeks. What would you do? Report of course! “What the peck is all of these? I’m here because they want me!” Yeah that’s absolutely right. They want you, not need. If you’re not different from them, I’m pretty sure they’d leave you be like those unfortunate poor people on the streets. But you know your real home.. is where the real agape love dwells. Imagine your host family’s life if you never came; it’d be alright, life goes on for them. But imagine what your home members back home would be if you never exist in their life — maybe they might as well wouldn’t exist too!

So the point is, just because this moment is very intriguing — and we obviously will never forget it — doesn’t mean that we can devaluate our own home. I know maybe some of you did not mean to, but the way you all put it resembles that. I know this emotion of parting with someone who gave you a lot of experience and shared a lot of things would be hard to overcome but please, do not say internal lies… The soul of your life do not deserve your lies, they’re in fact the reason why you live! (Internal lie: “this year is the best year of my life, there’ll be no better year than this year! *20 years later* “yeah, I made $1billion this year. This is the best year of my life!!! woohooo!!).

Sorry for that long philosophical nonsense. I know somebody will confront me for not writing a typical newsletter. But, somebody has got to take the low place to — possibly — make others understand something better.

Prom was fun! Everything was new and it was just amazing. Unfortunately I can only attach one of the prom pictures. More on my facebook account.

“How was track?”

“Pretty good, I ran 2 miles today.”

“Well, good! Are you tired?”

“Yeah, a bit. I think I’d trash myself until tomorrow hahaha.”

“Look, he’s being a wussy again.”

I am definitely going to miss that, you have fixed my life, you have cared a lot to me, and I don’t know how many times you have spent just to tell me that this is wrong, this is not an American way to say this, that, and so on. But anyway, I really do enjoy your company along this spectacular year. I can’t believe I’ll have to say goodbye to you in just a short period of time, but if I can’t overcome this parting, I would not be able to go on and live my life. I’m sorry. Of course I will keep in touch with you but your presence just made me different. I… don’t know what else to say, you know that I really want to be able to pour the contents of my brain about my feelings on you, but it’s impossible. I know destinies are destined, but changes are changeable. I hope my actions had showed a better understanding of what my thought is on you than this not-even-a-letter does.

Goodbye papa, it’s hard to leave

When all the birds are singing in the sky

Now that the spring is in the air

Little children everywhere

When you see them, I’ll be there

Westlife — Seasons in the Sun

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