I’ve moaned about it enough, to the point that you all know that on 17th August this year, I turn 30. Many of you have witnessed the fun mid-life crisis I’ve been going through as I get in touch with things I used to love, and try to carve a new place for myself in life. Getting in touch with things from my past has reminded me of the importance of talking about your feelings, especially around mental health, and I wanted to craft a statement of intent; to get it out of my brain so I can sleep again
Next week I’m taking some time to enjoy my past. I’ll be travelling back up to Manchester to see friends I haven’t seen since I moved to Multiplay, and to watch a wrestling show I haven’t seen live since I worked my last show for them; FutureShock Wrestling. Esports has been my life for five years, FutureShock was my life for the decade before. It was where I grew, where I made friends, and where I was given the strength to cope with the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer under. In just over a week’s time I’ll be watching something that used to feel like it was mine, now in the hands of a group of people far better suited to it than I was.
It feels like the correct way to say goodbye to the person I was when I was still figuring out who that was.
It’s been a strange twelve months in my life. Esports was my life for the past five years, and all of a sudden it’s not even a footnote to my daily life. I’ve been struggling to adjust to the new team I’m working with (as I predicted I would). It’s a whole new way of working and a lot of what I’m working on are projects that have been in progress long before I moved over, that don’t yet feel like I own them.
I’m very lucky to once again have a boss that cares how I feel, and is encouraging me to work on the things I care about, and be surrounded by people who will drive me to produce better, but the adjustment period is very much a rollercoaster (luckily we have a meeting room perfectly designed for quiet screaming).
I’m now trying to figure out who I want to be, and what I want to do. It’s been a process that has taken the last twelve months, and will likely take the rest of my life.
I’ve been streaming on Twitch, which has definitely been mentally tougher than I’d expected. I’ve got a background in broadcast, but working solo in front of a webcam is a lot harder than working with a partner in front of a live audience. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it’s been as draining as it’s been uplifting.
I’m also fully immersed in gaming again. I’m eyeing up a few new speedruns, I’m collecting Warhammer 40'000 (Dark Angels), and playing tabletop games with my housemates. It’s a welcome relaxation technique, but it’s not filling the hole it used to.
The thing I’ve really had to admit to myself, and that I’m still coming to terms with, is that the one thing I want to do is wrestle. When I’m watching others wrestle I feel more animated, more awake, than at any other time. The eight weeks I was training at PROGRESS felt better than anything in the past five years of my life.
Next week, not only do I put my past behind me, but I start something new for the future. I’m going to try living a life where I put that desire first, where reaching the level of fitness required comes first, and Twitch streaming & gaming comes second.
I’ll still stream, but most likely on less days, and with a more relaxed approach to what I stream.
I’ll still work damn hard on building the best possible shows I can in my role at Multiplay, but the day after ‘leg day’ I’ll have to wheel to & from meetings.
Eight weeks of training every single day, one week of Insomnia61, then I’ll be back in a ring at the PROGRESS dojo to see how far the last twelve months have actually brought me.