Spiders: the Shitty 3D Printer of the Animal World

If your house is anything like mine, it’s probably fallen victim to the recent “spider craze” creeping across the country. It seems no matter where you go, everyone’s caught spider fever and is hanging their ceiling corners with cobwebs.

STUPID SPIDER FACT: Cobwebs almost always precede spider fever.

So why have spiders vaulted to just 543 places behind the cat as the Internet’s favorite animal? Some blame the fourteen consecutive months of record breaking heat which has increased the breeding and habitat of spiders and their insect prey. Others blame hipsters for reviving the once-banned fad of the 1930s: spider-bearding. Regardless, like most pop culture trends (Chia Pubes, Rubix Boobs, and Pet Cocks), this one is total bullshit.

Spiders get a lot of attention on social media for their webs, but let’s examine the facts to see if the attention is warranted.

Fact 1: Spiders evolved to spin webs over 100 million years ago.

  • True but not as cool as it sounds.
  • Sure spiders got a head start on the whole silk and web thing, but what have they done since then? Humans have been harvesting silk for about 4000 years. Since then we’ve also mastered cotton, wool, and pleather.
STUPID SPIDER FACT: Spiders make webs for catching food not watching porn.

Fact 2: Different spider species spin different kinds of webs with varying complexity.

  • True but . . . come on! When the spider can spin me an Under Armour shirt or a polycarbonate AR15, then you can haul my ass onto the bandwagon.
Note the proximity of the silk gland and spinnerets to the spider anus. That’s some dirty silk, Mamma!

Fact 3: Spiders poop webs out of their butts.

Note the proximity of the silk gland and spinnerets to the spider anus. That’s some dirty silk, Mamma!

  • False but feels true. While spiders do not technically poop web from their butts, the spider’s silk gland and spinnerets are positioned near its anus. You should probably assume your cobwebs have at least some spider poop on them.

It’s clear that not only do spiders not warrant their rise in popularity, people need to be extra vigilant in keeping cobwebs off their ceilings, walls, and basements.

STUPID SPIDER FACT: Human toilet paper developed in 19th century. Spider toilet paper still in development.

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Originally published at bionicprose.com on August 5, 2016.

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