The Future of Yesterday

Flying cars, sex bots, an apocalyptic nightmare, these are just a few of the promises for the future made by visionaries of the past, but what surprises does yesterday hold for the future? What remarkable discoveries lie ahead for the past?

Already new insights and research are revealing promising facts that will affect our tomorrow. Just this year the United States Supreme Court cited new archaeological evidence showing that racism and Jim Crow had been eradicated fifty-three years after the 1963 Civil Rights Act and at least fifty years before experts predicted. Way to go, America. You did it!

But Yesterday’s future isn’t all rainbows and poll taxes. In fact, most experts still aren’t sure if rainbows are a product of light scattering across dust and water particles, an icon of the LGBTQ community, or a trigger for heterosexual rage. The future has already claimed Clint Eastwood; A once potent symbol of white masculinity in the past, he has been reduced to an impotent symbol of white masculinity in the future.

However, there’s no time to mourn the loss of Dirty Harry. The past marches on! Already scientists and cultural analysts are pioneering amazing breakthroughs to transform yesterday. In the American state of New York, lawyers and activists have sued on behalf of a chimpanzee, seeking his emancipation from the lab whose experiments make squirting cleaning solutions in our eyes that much safer. The ramifications for the past are mind boggling, effecting everything from horse hoof Jello to Donald Trump’s hair.

The past is a mysterious amalgam of hearsay, half-truths, and fuzzy recollections, but each day the future brings us a clearer understanding of who we were and why no one in the galaxy returns our phone calls. In the future, the past is a wild frontier of moral quandries and immense possibility. Could non-human rights be in our future? Have we been committing genocide and slavery at a level not seen since scientists discovered our last acts of genocide and slavery? Will the Planet of the Apes films be reclassified as documentaries? Wasn’t Earth, technically, already the planet of the apes when Charlton Heston’s ship left for it’s deep space mission? We’ll just have to wait and see what the future holds for yesterday!

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Originally published at on August 16, 2016.