The lost thoughts I had of yesterday
This series takes a break from the tech building and speak on the mindset that I developed over the years through my struggles and flawless victories.
Here is the first submission of something I wrote long ago. This represent something real in my life and my quest to display my true self as the stone that fell from a mountain and how 10 out of 10 times it will never land smoothly.
I come to you as a man with dreams, not a man with awards to show off.
please comment if you can on what you think, I may use this for a creative project later.
Here is the first story of my late 4 a.m. mental struggles and my current conclusions.
It’s strange, it never hit me but it’s hard to do well in life when I wished I had the courage to take my own life. I will admit, as I am writing this I have some soft love songs in my headphones. She seems so happy to have something so simple as love. What have I been doing all this time?
I am a bit reluctant to keep that last paragraph as suicide is a big issue right now. People are thought to be weak and selfish, when the same person feeling that way is already feeling alone. People should ask themselves what did we do to make that person feel alone? That courage I sought was symbolic of how I felt like a coward to take the risk to be better and to maintain focus. That being said, the only thing I felt I controlled was my own life and I didn't have the courage to change that…
“She” is actually the person in the song, its an old school song with simple values and demands that seem so different from now. Me and love has always been a strange dance because of all the seemingly illogical actions that make people happy.
I have been so stressed that I am literally uncomfortable in my skin. My soul feels like it is trying to break free from my body and live my life right. That is the best way I can put it, take my own life in essence of taking my life back. I want my life back.
I wanted to start over, not so much die. I am a spiritual man who felt that my soul was locked down and enslaved by a world that is controlled by the dollar.
I have been searching for that passionate person and I fear my soul has been assimilated to be normal. I am being taught things I do not know with strict guidelines of vague direction. I always wished that someone could make me feel.
On a side note, this is what it feels to pull hair out. That is what I am doing right now. It’s like a compulsion that I cannot stop right now, I want my life back. I don’t have the courage to kill myself or take control. Who the hell is driving?
Right then, I was in panic mode. I felt lower than a person who is suicidal because I couldn't do that, I felt like a slave.
This logical side just makes the safe choices. Always want balance yet life never flows at a constant rate. I know the safest route, yet that is the most draining practice. By nature I love taking risk, at least I use to. I am also by nature a very curious person which fuels my risky nature. When I know better I do better, not really.
I am not saying I know everything ↽ there are many things in that I don’t know. I lose the most powerful amount of interest in anything when I know the end, or it’s abstract with a dead-end. What is the point of giving me the end goal and ignore the journey.
Well, by the way science courses are set ↽ It’s a lot of unavoidable terminology. For each problem just remember the goal. That’s it, keep saying it over and over until it’s in your head. Lab is applying terminology to our findings. That seems to be a solution, and it is progress but it is not enough for what I was given thus far. It’s passion I am looking for people.
Muscle memory seems like a much more efficient way to operate. That sounds like a great way to operate for someone who is tormented by their mind. Not to mention I can turn my body into a secondary brain. The true trump card of a prisoner trapped in their own soul. I know ↽ break out of the prison, but That was one of the first cards I was dealt. It could help to increase my odds a bit. A song that Lupe Fiasco featured in real spoke to me.
I always believed out of all my dark thoughts that I can always take something from it, that is why I write them down. The theory of turning muscles as a whole into a secondary brain to do complicated things is something very useful. Looking back it makes me wonder if doctors strictly remember or understand something or do something by second nature then recall as if a student recall a term when a teacher speaks an important term.
“A house of odds is just a house of cards,” It said to me that maybe I don’t have to conform completely.
I am curious. I will quickly become an expert on something intriguing. Lets throw that out right now. Education is rarely entertaining. Academia is like an endless series of bad movies giving away the ending of 30 second stories. College has effectively ruined all of my interest in anything related to science. Not difficulty of the course but more the dread of “who the hell care” facts. My dream was to help prevent the extinction and endangerment of animals. I should have went into business and gave money to the cause.
I am a dreamer by nature, also fighting the fact of very little background compared to my peers. In nearly every science class I am in the professor list a ton of classes I should have taken to do well in this class most I have never taken.
It needs to mean something to me. That is the problem with learning making sure it still means something to me, after all this time fighting, is it still worth it?
Learning by the book is a weakness, not because I don’t like to read ↽ that is far from the case. The problem is sifting through good information and peer-reviewed journals are hard to come by unless they are from the 18th century. Books are so concerned with making it long that it’s full of fillers.
In listing fasion of my weakness:
Poor reading selections
Bad mental state
never a fight in my home court