My Desire
I have a desire, a personal drive if you will, to be honest about my experiences, my likes and dislikes, and my true feelings.
Its not always easy, and its not always appropriate but the drive is always there. I’m a fan of confident, honest communication, and I maintain that everything is always better in the long run with this type of mindset.
I don’t care about who’s right or wrong. I’m actually (especially later in life now) very interested in the lessons that you end up learning about yourself and others as a result of the conflict, whether bad or good.
That being said, being “brutally honest” is a next level concept. Straight-up, sometimes being brutally honest feels like its the only way to deliver a message to someone, but for the sake of everyone’s sanity, and in order to not waste the time of others, using your best judgement about if and when to apply brutal honesty is a skill where I still have a lot to learn.
And of course the brutal in “brutally honest” can mean a lot of things, like being cruel or vicious, or like attacking someone while you are submitting honest observations or facts. However, that never encompasses my own motives, so I tend to use “brutally honest” to describe my more intense interactions because being “honest” at times doesn’t seem to be effective enough.
- Honest: free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere / blameless or well intentioned even if unsuccessful or misguided — Google Dictionary reference
Discussions and Struggle
Recently I was involved in a long heated discussion within a group of individuals in one of my musical projects. We were exploring the concept of “why” the group feels defeated. Each member expressed a situation in which they felt like they “went out on a limb” to contribute to the success of the project, but their efforts were in vain because the leader of the group generally does not collect and reflect on the decisions of the band, he will ultimately make the decision to do things as he sees fit, and the rest of the members essentially have to decide if they can live with that or if they should say something… or leave.
Its very possible that this is not his true intention, but regardless, this is how he comes off, and sometimes its easy to live with, but other times I really feel like we should speak up.
The problem: As tensions rise, it becomes more and more of a gamble to bring up ideas and desires of the band as a whole. Each member becomes disenfranchised with the process, and develops a state of complacency regarding the project because their contributions are under-valued. In order to avoid conflict, communication starts to break down, and in the process, more and more detail about decisions that are being made on the group’s behalf gets buried under fake smiles and passive-aggressive language.
Guilt That Accompanies Honesty
There have been three specific times where I have decided to stand my ground, speak up with courage, and bravely explain in a “brutally honest” fashion what I believe is the true source of conflict within the group.
My Internal Questions: Have I found the right times? Do I deliver the message appropriately? Is the message effective? Does its translate well? These are all questions that I concern myself with and stress over. I’m not in the business of hurting feelings of others but sometimes its goes into dark territory out of my immediate control.
I voiced my opinion about “why” the group feels disenfranchised, and why there is complacency, or defeatist attitudes. My statements were scrutinized as “character assassination”. My opinions of the situation that we deal with were turned into petty frameworks where supposedly I’ve used weak self-indulgent desires to create problems rather than actually address real issues to move forward. The person that I’m trying to convince took personal offense to all my observations. A counter-attack ensued in order to break down each petty thing that I presented. An explanation had to be given to justify actions that were taken, all in order to weaken my overall theory.
Its in these moments where I actually let those arguments seep into my conscience. Am I the actual problem? Am I the only person that really feels like this, therefore I am being petty, hurtful, and destructive?
I ponder these things heavily and I develop guilty feelings that build within me. Its exhausting and very mentally taxing.
However, holding on to your true feelings and observations and being bold and honest in your presentation is paramount to breaking through the paradigm.
So I carry forward remaining confident and true, and I have to tell myself somewhere deep down inside, “this will either be the moment that you lied to yourself, or the moment you triumphantly broke through the web of deceit, attitude, and mistrust and you got to the bottom of a problem, regardless of whether people were able to go with you on that journey or not”.
The Backlash is Brutal
In a perfect world, honesty is cherished, and open minds accept the observations that are made, and in the end, compromises are agreed upon, and growth begins.
My world in this situation just never works that way. My observations are constantly challenged, constantly explained away, and they are negatively reacted to, therefore an agreement about how to move forward can seemingly never be reached.
Considerations
I found this passage on the web at quora.com that gave me comfort. I’m unaware of the original author so I do not claim these words, they just gave me comfort as I struggled to find peace within this situation:
It’s important to realise that if someone doesn’t understand your feelings, it doesn’t mean that they don’t know/care about you. Often, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
It may be because they have ‘hang-ups’ or emotional baggage that has affected them deeply, or because of upbringing and personal belief systems that is the foundation of their understanding of the world.
In other words, they may wonder why it is you don’t understand their feelings? Why can you not see their point of view?
Sometimes the first steps towards common understanding is just to listen without judging. Without forming a reply in your head while they are talking. Listen with an open heart. Then ask sincere questions. Then maybe when they see that you are listening openly, then they might be more open to do the same.
The conclusion by the author of this explanation gives me hope.
Conclusion
I do want to resolve conflict. I do hope that my honesty is appreciated over time. I do think that a lot of our daily life is all about compromise, working through our disagreements and coming together to find peace anywhere we can.
Its easy for me to feel guilty about the way in which I present my true feelings, but its actually very hard for me to feel bad about why I did it. Sometimes you just know that things have to be said, and you have to have enough faith in yourself, that even if the whole world disagrees, that you can still move forward because you’ve wiped it from your conscience.
I’ve been brutally honest. It was an exercise in patience and maturity, but I did what I felt was right.
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My post today is not about venting around a personal situation, but more about exploring the concept of fighting off guilt after being honest with the world.. Discuss!
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