On Hypomania

Imagine you’re on a bicycle and you’re going down a hill. It’s excellerating at first, as gravity effortlessly brings you to speeds you could hardly ever go yourself. As a result, your very perception quickens, and time seems to slow down–you feel badass and invincible as you speed down. The whole world is before you as it whizzes by, your senses are flooded by the rapidly changing details–it’s absolete euphoria but with the added badassery feeling. But now, you realize, your breaks aren’t working properly and you can’t stop. You go faster and faster, and the inflated confidence that you once had before is evaperated as it is replaced by anxiety and you feel like a fool for even beleiving any of it. Panic and anger sets in–you’ve made a bad decision or two, you overlooked something important, but the gravity and the thrill lured you in (it seemed logical and safe at the time) and the road is nearly ending. Suddenly, your front tire blows, and you go from 50 to zero in miliseconds, stopping so quickly it tears into your very psche.

That’s an example of uncontrolled hypomania.
On the outside, it looks simply like a good mood. Since those with bipolar 2 experience depression far more often than hypomania, it often just looks like a break from depression–what it feels like to feel normal. And this is why bipolar is so often misdiagnosed–no one ever sees a psychiatrest when they’re in a great mood, only after they’ve crashed again.

I noticed that I was expereincing hypomania for the first time earlier this year. It was totatlly seperate from what was happening in my life–I was dealing with the same old shit, but I felt the urge to get things done. While driving my car I’d have a million thoughts, and I felt euphoric. And then I realize that even my “good moods” were bad–like my depression, it was way too strong with no obvious source. At the tail end of it, I was always more snappy, moody, and irritiable. Frustrated and restless. I had a hell of bike ride, that’s why–took me so damn long to get up the hill only to crash on the way back down, but I suppose I enjoyed the euphoria while it lasted, despite it being poison at the end.