Chaos.

Butterflies, nerves or… oh god.

Both

A weekend of haphazard chemistry.

Throw some chemicals in the vat that is my head and see what sticks.

Oh jeez, what, 10th grade?

That long, really?

Wow, what happened last year?

…nothing…

So I sit, in a swamp of my own filth.

A relaxing bog, enjoyable.

I wish I could enjoy it.

I sit, fester.

Fester and stew and cook.

Uncertainty is so very unnerving.

I’m glad I got home at 2 last night.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

Now what?

Uncertainty is unnerving.

Take a hit of dopamine.

Norepinephrine forces it’s way in.

What an odd mix.

What an odd mix.

Gears that turn to fast.

Get clogged.

Grind.

Snap.

Blank staring at walls.

I wish the playlist worked.

I could use it right about now.

Uncertainty is unnerving.

Will Medium save my draft if I restart my phone?

Who cares if it does.

I do.

I feel like I’m a lobster,

At some sketchy seafood joint.

Who the hell thought hot baths are relaxing?

I feel disgusting,

And sweaty,

And sticky.

This fucking bath is reminding me of everything I hate about myself.

Fuck

Let me cool off.

I love that beautiful green.

That wonderful green.

I want to exist in a plane as one with that magnificent green.

That green is all around me.

Two greens share a namesake.

Blank Staring at Walls.

They work together much more than I could imagine.

Music is so incredibly powerful.

And when these words and those notes work together,

The beauty it creates.

I love music.

Music…

Uncertainty is unnerving.

God dammit

GOD DAMMIT

This is not new.

For shits I’d love to see a psychiatrist.

See if it’s all just a part of my personality.

Or maybe there’s something here.

I won’t see a psychiatrist.

I can’t find myself to care.

Or maybe I enjoy the ignorance.

Uncertainty can be comforting.

I loathe hypochondriacs.

Maybe I don’t want to find a reason to point that hate towards myself.

Maybe.

Don’t think.

Just exist,

Just exist.

How do I do that again?

  • Drive home alone late at night
  • Walk down that street with the Russian sage, under that lampost.
  • Watch Futurama at a table full of wires and motors and that magnificent wooden base.
  • There’s a Starman, waiting in the sky.
  • Hide between the couch and the Christmas tree, playing with your Megablox.
  • Sit back and enjoy the live band, clink your bottles, relax.
  • Doc Mcgrogan’s with Mom
  • Late night drive with Dad

Therapeutic.

I don’t mind the hot bath.

It’s relaxing.

Shit, that face.

Haven’t had this feeling in a long time.

Almost forgot what it was like.

Never worked out, has it?

“wind power, I’m a big fan”

Fuck you. You god damn idiot.

“hey”

“how was your game?”

Ok.

Maybe it’s different now.

Maybe I’m different now.

Am I?

“you’d definitely be a German Shephard, no question about it.”

Oh God, what’s that mean?

Analyze the use of imagery, form, and diction in the statement.

I’ll have him read my response.

Shit, no, I asked him last week.

Of course he’d do it,

But I want to do everything in my power to not be…

Cringe.

Just white hot anger.

I better muzzle myself before someone figures out who I’m talking about.

It’s not one of you, don’t worry.

Hell, maybe you wouldn’t even worry.

Why do I assume my opinion about people is that important to them.

Maybe it’s their opinion about me that matters.

It’s not one of you, I don’t need to worry.

I still do.

I do.

I worry that I’m just like him.

I hope I’m not,

But I still worry.

I worry too much.

Uncertainty is unnerving.

And art is better without lines.