Thursday, November 17th, 2016
I went to bed last night filled with anxiety in hopes that it’ll be gone once I woke up today. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t gone. I didn’t get up in time to go to school with Hero, so I got up in time to get ready to go by myself. I even made myself an Uber account so that I could take myself. I got out of bed to get ready, already feeling shitty about the fact that I didn’t go with Hero. I kept building one thing over another on myself and it was taking me forever to get ready. By the time I was ready and attempted to call myself an Uber, it wouldn’t work because my phone number wasn’t valid. I just sat there, and slowly let all my thoughts overwhelm me.
I tried to stay calm. I went back and forth from telling myself that I’m okay and that I’m not. I started crying. No. Meg, don’t cry! Don’t cry right now, because once you start you won’t stop! You need to get to school. Com’on, get your shit together. I didn’t know who to talk to. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to do something. I needed to stab my neck or drink an entire bottle of Advil. I wanted to talk to Eric, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. He’s busy registering for his classes. I must leave him alone, but oh God what do I do. I messaged Hero begging her to call me an Uber to get to school. I needed to get out of the house before I grabbed the nearest container of Advil and swallowed all of its contents. Eventually she came to my aid as I ate the toast I was making for myself earlier as I cried. By the time I was having a mental breakdown, class was way over and there wasn’t any point of trying to rush to school anymore other than the fact that it was dangerous for me to stay at home near the pills which tempted me and talked to me asking me to drink them all.
It was a close call, I was really close to downing a whole thing of Advil, but thankfully I didn’t. I wholeheartedly thought about it and considered doing it, but I didn’t. I really wanted to. Even now, I wouldn’t mind doing it if it didn’t come with so many consequences. But if I’m ever going, lets hope it can wait a couple more weeks until I’m done with school.
Although I had such a horrid morning, the rest of the day was actually better, and ended up ending on a good note. I went to Starbucks with Hero, saw Elisha there, talked with him a little, read my book, saw him once again when he came back shortly for another drink. We didn’t talk nor do I think he noticed me, but it was nice seeing him outside of club for once. I’ve never seen him on campus other than while at club. He’s pretty great. Pretty beautiful. I also made a fool out of myself because he doesn’t actually live in San Diego…that was a joke and it’s embarrassingly hilarious because I bought it.
Acting class was a lot of fun, and English class went well. I sacrificed my reading time to help Daniel with his Japanese test corrections, but it’s okay. I’m glad to be there to help him. We went to go eat at Panda together, and studied in front of class. Daniel went in first while I sat outside “studying” and talking to co-workers trying to arrange tomorrow off so that I could go watch the play with Daniel and whoever else is going with him.
We all kind of just went home today. I get to sleep in tomorrow.