I have as much disdain for career politicians as the next guy. They’re self-serving, insincere, hypocritical, and exceedingly politically correct. Sometimes you have to think outside of the box to find the best solution. But we appear to be straying dangerously away from the box. The next few years is probably the closest we’ll ever come to seeing an elected official actually punch a baby.
“I know a lot of babies, OK? Laughing ones, crying ones. Ones that I could see myself dating in 18 years. Nobody loves babies more than me. They are our future. We need them. So the press is talking about me, saying ‘oh no you’re such a bad person, you punched a baby’. Wrong! I would never punch a baby.
“But this baby is a mess. It’s a big fat waste. Just look at her, folks. She’s a loser. She’s ugly. A total disaster. She’d be too ugly to allow on my reality show, and that I can tell you. Absolutely incredible. How could anyone like a face like that? This is a low-information, undereducated baby. Bigly sad. Show me one deal she ever made. I’ve been told she’s always crying and moody. Probably mentally unstable. I don’t know myself, but lots of important people have told me that. And the name ‘Emilia’ worries me. Is that American? I’m just asking.
“This baby is just not winning. We don’t win anymore. The Chinese, they’re winning. Good people, terrible drivers. But they’re making such great babies, they literally toss the bad ones out! You have no idea. They toss the bad ones out!! That’s what we should do! People ask me all the time, what can we do to win? I say, make better babies! It’s so important. When I’m President, believe me, we’re gonna make a lot of better babies. Babies like you wouldn’t believe! I’m gonna make some of them myself, at no charge to the American people. (And you know Hillary and Michelle can’t say that.) You know who loves babies? The blacks.
“Let me tell you, if this country would make more great babies, and punch more loser babies, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in today. It’s a tremendous failure. So Hollywood is sad because I punched a baby. Let me tell you, we’re not punching enough babies!”