Why don’t I smile anymore
Smiling has become a thing of the past for me.
I feel a smile doesn’t have a place in a heart filled with tears.
The tears that accumulated over the years of emotional setbacks and harsh realizations. Mostly, nowadays, I don’t feel any emotions except different shades of sorrow. Sometimes, I am less sad, and sometimes more. But these feelings do not spring up in an individual like Jack-In-The-Box.
Every feeling we feel has a past, present, and future.
The past
I was a simple, naïve, and happy kid. I had a group of friends in high school — those who may not be with you in life but greatly impact you.
My high school days were neither the best nor the worst. We always dabbled between the good and bad, which was enough for me. They provided a safe space to be completely myself. After graduation, we parted happily as the rest went into great colleges while I was left behind and with no safe place anymore.
I attended a summer camp for personality development (as I am an introvert) to sustain myself in the community college. That camp turned out to be the worst decision of my life.
Most of the kids there were from private schools, highly intellectual, learned, and social. Whenever I let myself into group conversations, I always fell short of the required knowledge about that topic. I didn’t seem to know anything they spoke about, like singers, YouTubers, sneakers, rappers, and many more. Even after trying hard, I couldn’t get along with them. This made me sad; I had never experienced these situations.
I felt I was incapable of social interactions. I felt lonely. I kept to myself, remained silent, and didn’t participate much in the activities. One day, a teacher called my behavior abnormal. Since then, people called me “Abno” for the rest of the camp.
This killed my leftover confidence. For the first time, I thought, “Maybe I am stupid and outdated, and I don't belong with normal people.”
I spent the rest of the days there in anguish. I realised I was nothing compared to these kids in any field of life. I became lonely and incompetent. This led me to believe that for a loser like me, I should stay away from all those who know the world better than me, which, in my case, was every human on earth.
Gradually, I fell behind in my studies, too, at my community college. This was the last nail in the coffin.
I became a soulless object, and objects don’t smile.
The Present
I am sad.
Confidence has become a distant memory now. Poverty has taught me that money is happiness. I believe to be happy, I need to succeed in my career, which will take some time; until then, I am depressed. I don’t have any friends to help me control these feelings. Rather, I have acquaintances who occasionally help me with the notes. My parents often get questioned in family gatherings about my behavior and the sadness that I carry around.
My greatest flaw is I often spend too much time daydreaming and planning, leaving me no time to act and build my career. I now work as a janitor, work towards my passion, study, do weekly community work, and watch TV.
Future
I have been in this loop of sorrow for three years. I don’t want to anymore.
I recently joined Medium to share my thoughts and feelings that went unheard for a long time. I am getting used to Twitter to learn the creator economy. I am eagerly waiting to start earning.
I have learned my lesson — life is tough. And this is what makes us tougher.
I try hard to keep my heart half empty, hoping it may get filled with happiness someday.
After all, Hope is what keeps us afloat.
