We Hire NOW! Entry Level, Overqualified
We want to hire you now; we just have to make sure you meet a few minimum requirements. The position we have to fill is at entrance level (our own alternative of entry level).
Experience in our line of work — well doooh, how can we hire you if you don’t know what we expect you to know, especially when we provide training.
MBA — meaning a multi — bullshit — ace, even though you are merely student. Also, having an MBA will excuse you from our first demand.
Never missed a single target — well this is actually pretty easy to achieve, especially if you worked in a sales position for more than a week.
Internet browsing advanced level — you will be given a practical test for proper driving of different search engines and bicycles.
Proven experience in OUS — meaning Our Unique System and honestly we don’t really care if you couldn’t find where to learn it. A proper candidate would’ve found a way.
You should not be related to… — we clearly cannot hire more than 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree relatives of… what do you mean by “Snooper who”?
Outstanding abilities for using the fax machine — if you don’t know what that is, ask your grandparents.
Stress resistant — you comment about company mission to create a pleasant and relaxed work environment is simply mean, we don’t want such people.
Social Media minimum experience 15 years — we are clearly interested in the junk you post on Facebook in order to empathize with younger generations. Also we need some help with the content, because surely your experience from kindergarten will help us have a more natural tone of voice.
College graduate — it’s self-explanatory for jobs dedicated to students, but this doesn’t mean a student cannot be already a college graduate too.
Black belt owner in typing — we don’t even want to see your fingers when you type.
Attention to details — a little test that will show us (among others) if you noticed how many stairs you climbed to 3rd floor or if the snow on the roof is or not endangering the employees’ lives. No, it’s not relevant if our offices are on ground floor and the interview takes place during summer.
Showing affection towards animals — no, not the fellow workers, but walking and feeding the boss’s pets.
High productivity — even when interrupted, you are still fully focused.
Sense of humor — you must show a natural laughter when the boss tells jokes even when you heard them for the 3rd time this week… and it’s just Tuesday. Boy, that was fun!
Non-smoker — or non-drinker, non-vegan, no-air conditioning (you will be working in an open space), non-pregnant, non-carnivore.
Flexible hours — day & night long, you should sign a blank declaration, similar to those signed before major surgeries, that says you fully agreed to cover any schedule.
Passion — for the company you will be joining of course, you should’ve felt this from the interview.
Driver’s license — you won’t need it for this particular job, but we are asking for it just in case, so it’s mandatory.
Under-qualified — just so you don’t put us in a position to tell you are over qualified, doh.
Bullshiting experience — sooner or later we will need some creative employees to pitch in with some new excuses to the Explaining Department, when something goes wrong.
Leadership — if you say you have it in you, it’s fine, we won’t hire test you.
Dancing abilities at company parties and team-buildings, especially the Meneaito, Lambada, Macarena, Despacito, The Penguin, The Cachalot, or any other mammals.
And not last — results oriented — no, we don’t mean having actual results, reaching them, just simulate a result oriented position. If the results are at the North — West, you should also be oriented that way, that’s all we want. GOOOD job!
Please fax us a scanned resume at the number composed of the last digits of your Social Security number or send it to email@example.com
Good luck meeting the requirements!
Originally published at bogdan.blog on July 12, 2017.